Categories
Issues

Katori Hinton


Special Friend

 

I was seven the day my mother introduced us to her “special” friend. At the time I wasn’t expecting him to stick around long-term. I had guessed a few months or so, but I was not expecting him to become my mother’s new husband and take on the title as stepfather.

On that same day, I tried to imagine what he was going to be like. I imagined what I was going to say to him when the time came. I had no feelings toward him, but I had expected them to change over the course of the evening. That entire day, I watched as my mother and Jennifer danced around the kitchen and dining room, making sure everything was just right. They had been acting like the president was coming to dinner. They’d brought out all the fancy glass plates, you know the ones with the gold trim around the edge, the polished silverware, and those stiff white napkins that were really only for decoration and not for actual use. They had special cloths to clean the cups and wine glasses, and while dinner was getting warm in the oven, my mom vacuumed both up and downstairs, and even made me clean my own room, like he was going to be taking some grand tour of the place. I was beginning to think he might actually be the president, instead of a doctor, the way she had told us. No way someone deserves this much special treatment. Jennifer and I didn’t even get this on our birthdays. Although, we did get pretty awesome cakes. One year mine had those sparkler candles, the ones that are hard to blow out. It was nice.

“Andy, can you help?” I had been standing by the dining room table watching my sister place the forks. I don’t know why I hadn’t run away to hide in my room. “Hello?” she snapped at me. “Help me,” she said again, proceeding to hand me a bunch of silverware, telling me how to place them by the plates, and which fork went on which side and how to fold napkins properly.

“Is this necessary?” I asked her, purposely putting the fork on the wrong side. I was hoping she didn’t notice, but she did and grabbed it from my hand, giving me a glare in the process.

“Yes,” she said, fixing the fork. “Mama wants everything perfect, and so do I.”

“Why though? It’s just dinner. The same dinner we had yesterday, and the night before, and the week before and. . . .”

“I liked it a lot better when you weren’t talking.” Jennifer cocked her head to the side as I closed my mouth. “See, much better.” She pointed at the rest of the table and told me to finish, and not say anything else. “I also hope you plan on wearing something else,” she commented. I looked down at my outfit. A simple pair of sweatpants and t-shirt I’d slept in, and socks I hadn’t changed out of. “And I hope you shower,” she added. I continued to ignore her as I placed the last piece of silverware down. “Hello, I’m talking to you.”

“You told me not to talk,” I said.

“Not when I’m trying to have a conversation with you.”

That’s when our mother walked in, smoothing down her hair as she inspected our work. Of course, she fixed the place setting I had done and even went so far as to lift the wine glass and wipe the edges off.

“Perfect, right?” Jennifer asked.

“Yes.” She nodded, then turned to me. “Please get showered and changed.”

“It’s July, right?” I asked. My mom and Jennifer exchanged looks quickly.

“Yes, why?” my mom asked.

“So not November, meaning not Thanksgiving. Why are we getting all fancy like this for some guy?”

I heard the audible groan come from my sister. “Ignore him, Mama,” she said, but I knew my mother. I knew she wasn’t going to ignore my statement. In fact, I had expected her to yell at me, but instead, she didn’t. All she did was let out a long sigh, her shoulders rose and fell just slightly, then walked over to me, and placed her hand on my shoulder.

“Just get cleaned up,” she softly said and walked past me into the kitchen to check on dinner. My sister said something under her breath as she followed behind her, and then I was left in the dining room alone. In the kitchen I could see them wandering around and having a small conversation that was no doubt about me, and how I would react tonight.

Oh, I hope he doesn’t say anything rude.

I didn’t have to be listening to their conversation to know this was something along the lines of what my mother was saying about me.

Don’t worry Mama; if he does, I’ll be there to make it better, is probably what Jennifer would say.

They were acting like I was a bad person, like I was a bomb just waiting to go off. He wasn’t even here yet and already my mother and sister have chosen his side.

I took off upstairs and attempted to find the “best” outfit I could and took a shower that lasted longer than my mother would have liked.  

When I came back downstairs, my sister and mother had changed into nice dresses. My sister’s dress was a nice blue color with little flowers printed all over it. She had pulled her hair back into a slick ponytail, and I’m pretty sure she was wearing the same perfume my mother had on. The black dress my mother was wearing was long and flowed behind her whenever she walked around. While we waited for this mystery man to show up, my mother kept finding herself in any of the reflective surfaces around the house. Whenever she did, she brought her hands up to her hair, combing through it with her fingers and tucking the hair behind her ears, then untucking it just to tuck it back again. Every so often she’d ask Jennifer how she looked. Once she even asked me, but honestly, my mother looked perfect every day, so it was hard to tell any different. She was nervous though, and it was obvious by the way she kept going back and forth between the kitchen and the dining room, moving plates around, or sticking a fork in the roast she’d made to taste if it was decent, which it always was. Regardless of how the night would go, I could count on the good food we were getting ready to eat.

The doorbell rang, and my mother literally jumped out of her skin. She turned to Jennifer and I, and told us to “act normal,” whatever that meant. Jennifer led me to the living room and sat us both down and put on the TV. I guessed this was her way of acting normal pretending to be watching something when he walked in. I got up on the couch and pulled myself as far over the back of it as I could, but I couldn’t see the front door, just the back of my mother.

“Get down and act civilized, please,” my sister ordered, pulling me by my shirt, but I pushed her off. I wanted to see this friend my mother was making such a fuss about.

My mother opened the door and I heard her greet him with a high-pitched hello and a hug. I could just see his arms wrap around her lower back before she took a step back to welcome him in. He wasn’t what I expected. I had this image of him in my head. For some reason, I just pictured my history teacher: fat belly, greasy, yet, thinning hair, and a real bad odor. This man didn’t look anything like that. He was tall and thin. The blue button-up shirt he was wearing was rolled up to his elbows, and the black slacks he was wearing were tailored just right.

“That’s him?” I commented aloud. Jennifer quickly joined me on the back of the couch to get a good look at him.

“Oh. He’s—”

“White.”

“That doesn’t matter . . . I was gonna say he’s handsome!” she squealed. “C’mon, let’s go meet him.” I hesitated, but just briefly, before climbing off the couch and following her.

“Oh, there they are,” my mom said. She was carrying the bottle of wine he’d brought, both of her hands gripping onto the bottle so tightly, I thought she would break it. She had this nervous smile on her face as she started to speak, “Kids, this is Jerry. Jerry, this is Jennifer,” and before my mother could even finish getting her name fully out, Jennifer practically leapt on him, hugging him and then shaking his hand furiously.

“Everyone calls me Jen,” she said.

“Nice to meet you, Jen,” he said back, giving a very wide smile. He has nice teeth, I thought.

“And this is Andrew,” added my mother. Her voice went up an octave as if to warn me to be nice.

“Andy,” my sister added quickly.

“Man of the house, how are you doing?” he asked, extending his hand to me. I guess it wasn’t nice to meet me. I shook his hand anyway, and it nearly cracked my bones. I couldn’t even figure out what to say to him.

“Andy is a little shy,” Jennifer started saying. “So don’t take it personally if he doesn’t say anything.”

“I understand. You all look great. And something smells great,” he said.

“We made dinner—roast beef—I pretty much made it myself,” my sister said, which made Jerry laugh and my mother, too, which then took them into the dining room. I followed slowly behind them, watching as Jerry walked. He commented on the house as he passed through. My mother was into earth-tone colors like browns, reds, and beige. She also liked flowers a lot, so they were literally everywhere. When you first walked in, there was a little table that had just one bowl for the keys and mail and stuff, then it was surrounded by the collection of fake ivy plants that tickled your hand when they rubbed up against it. In the dining room, not only was there a giant painting of a rose bush, but in the center of the table was a vase full of roses which changed colors every other week. And don’t even get me started on the way she decided to decorate our bathroomI like to think that if she could turn our house into an actual garden, she would. I’m talking rip up the carpets and replace it with dirt.

“It’s all so comfortable,” is what Jerry said about it.

“Here. Jerry, you sit here,” my sister ordered, pointing to the head of the table. “Andy and I are sitting on the sides and Mama is on the other end, that way you guys can see each other head on.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jerry said. Before he took his own seat, he pulled out both Jen’s and my mother’s chairs, and they both got all blushy and said how sweet and kind he was. I would have thought the same had he pulled out mine, but he didn’t. He just gave me a nod and a wink that I couldn’t interpret.

When the drinks had been poured, and the plates had been filled with food, and the prayer had been said, we began eating quietly, but only for a moment. In that moment, though, I watched Jerry as he enjoyed my mother’s meal (which was great, by the way). He had a thick beard and wore glasses that made his brown eyes look bigger than they actually were. And his hair was a dark color with strands hanging on his forehead. Every time he took a bite, his right eye would open wider than his other eye, and his right eyebrow would rise at the same time. It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen, but the longer I stared at him chew, I realized it wasn’t something he had control over. It was like a nerve, or something in his face was broken. I thought this defect would somehow make him less interesting, but if anything, I found myself not being able to take my eyes off him. My sister definitely didn’t find this odd habit Jerry had as something that would sway her opinion on him. She tucked her legs underneath, pushing herself up, making her appear taller. With her elbow on the table, she placed her head on her palm, getting his attention.

“Mama tells us you’re a doctor,” she said, smiling.

“I am,” he responded nicely. When he spoke his eye and eyebrow didn’t jump that way. I figured it was only a thing when he ate. If he was a doctor, why couldn’t he fix himself?

“What kind of doctor?”

“Neurosurgeon,” he told her. I didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded cool.

“So you have a lot of money.”

“Jennifer,” my mother warned.

  Jerry laughed. “No, no, it’s okay. I, uh . . . do well for myself.” He’s rich, I thought.

“Mama’s a teacher,” my sister added, batting her eyelashes at him. I rolled my eyes because they obviously knew that kind of stuff about each other. I could only imagine how boring that conversation must have been: Oh, you’re a teacher? Nice, I’m a doctor. Oh you have kids, nice. Yawn.

“She teaches English at Georgia Tech. I’m gonna go there when I get older,” Jennifer added.

“It’s a good school. I graduated from University of Georgia,” Jerry said, smiling over at her. I narrowed my eyes and went back to eating my dinner. I then looked over to my mother, who was sitting upright, looking rather pleased with how the night was going. When she noticed I was staring, she winked at me the same way Jerry had earlier, and I found hers to be just as strange as his had been. It was like they were trying to send me a secret message that I wasn’t getting.

“Andy?” I looked over after hearing my name. Jerry was staring at me, so was my sister.

“How old are you? What grade are you in?” he asked me. Why does he care? I thought. Jerry took another bite of food, and that nerve thing with his eye and eyebrow came back, and now that he was looking directly right at me, I started to wonder if it hurt him.

“Andy, you want to tell Jerry how old you are?” my mother encouraged.

“He’s seven,” my sister answered quickly for me. “He’s in second grade, and I’m eleven.”

“Oh, my son is fourteen,” he mentioned.

Son? I thought. He’s got a son? Suddenly the idea of a brother popped into my head. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister and my mom, but being around girls all day gets annoying. Having a brother would level the field, ya know? Someone I could play-fight with, someone else to make fun of Jennifer with. And since his son was older, he could beat up people if I told him they picked on me, or something. But then I realized if I got his son as my partner in crime, Jerry would be around too. Maybe if his son didn’t like him either, we could fight the world together.

“A son?” my sister’s head twisted, looking over at my mother, who busied herself with the wine in her cup. “Mama didn’t tell us you had a son,” she said, turning her attention back to Jerry. “Why didn’t you bring him?”

“He . . .” Jerry started pushing up his glasses. He was trying to come up with an excuse that would sound less disrespectful than the straight answer; his son didn’t want to come meet us. I knew that pause all too well. My mother created that pause. “He had a prior engagement, but I can promise you next time he’ll be here.”

“Next time?” I groaned to myself.

“Well, I’m sure he’s just as nice and handsome as you are,” my sister said, beaming over at him.

I nearly threw up.

“Who wants dessert?” my mother asked. “Andy, why don’t you grab the cobbler from the counter in the kitchen.”

I got up without a fight and made my way to the kitchen. I heard another conversation spark up, but I quickly realized it was just Jen saying more things about more stuff. I thought about escaping then. There was another entrance to our kitchen that lead to the hallway by the stairs. I could run up there and lock myself in my room, and not have to worry about this dinner anymore. I was at war with myself, though; part of me was kind of enjoying it, while the other was resisting everything about the night. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been standing there when Jerry came walking in. He was much taller than I thought. I got nervous as he approached, and he noticed.

“Your mother wanted me to check on you,” he said, holding up his hands in peace. “Need some help?” he asked, gesturing to the cobbler I was standing by. I shook my head. “Okay.” Jerry leaned his back against the counter and placed his hands in his pockets. “You know, when my son was your age, he was pretty quiet, too. It was like he couldn’t find a word he liked.” That made Jerry laugh a little. Why is he telling me this? I wondered.

“So then one day he started talking, and he never shut up,” he continued. “And it turned out he had a lot to say. He just needed someone to ask the right questions. Appeal to his needs, you know?”

“I guess so,” I spoke. Jerry’s eyes grew at the sound of my voice.

“This is probably a little weird to you, right? Some stranger coming into your family’s life. I want you to know my intentions are in the right place with your mother.”

“Intentions?” I wondered what that meant.

“Yeah, it just means . . . I would never do anything to hurt your mother,” he said.

“I hope not—her last relationship wasn’t very happy,” I told him.

“Really?” he asked, looking interested.

“She didn’t tell you about it?” I asked.

“No, she . . .”

I quickly grabbed the pan of cobbler and hurried back to the table. Jennifer had filled me in on some details about my mother’s past relationship with my father, but I remember hearing them on some nights, and what I heard sometimes haunted me at night.

Jerry followed me back to the table and took his place at the head of the table again. He was looking at my mother as if he had just heard the most horrible news ever. She told him all the boring stuff, but none of the important stuff, I guess.

“Everything okay?” my mom asked, looking between the two of us. Her eyebrows were knitted together and somehow, she’d gotten stiffer in her seat.

“Was he mean to you?” Jennifer asked Jerry, sliding me a glare in the process.

“No, not at all.” He shook his head, but never took his eyes off my mom. I knew they would be having a conversation about this later. If only I could listen in on that. Maybe him knowing about her past would scare him away.

The topic of my mother’s old relationship lingered over the room, but thankfully Jennifer was able to keep talking, to keep us distracted. After the dessert, my mom and Jerry went to the kitchen to wash the dishes, while Jennifer and I went back to the couch. I wanted to be a fly on the wall and listen in to what they were talking about.

“I like him,” Jen said, sighing like she had just fallen in love. She leaned back on the couch, pulling her legs underneath her. “He’s smart and handsome and he smells good. What do you think?”

“I think he’s too tall.”

“I think he’s perfect. I think he and mom are perfect for each other.”

“You think they’ll get married?” I asked her.

“If she doesn’t marry him, I will. And what about his son? You think he’s nice? He’s gotta be nice. I always wanted a brother.” She squealed.

“You have a brother,” I said, pointing at myself.

“Like another brother. Like someone older, that way we have someone to look after us,” she said.

“Mom looks after us.”

“That’s because she has to. I want someone who will watch after us because they want to, you know?”

“Right,” I said. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I liked the way it made me feel.

Jerry left about an hour later. He said he had a great time and that it had been the best dinner he’d ever had. And then he promised to bring his son, Nathan, the next time, and next time we would go to his house. Jen was thrilled and so was my mother, and I guessed their conversation was successful, because there was going to be a next time. And, the war that was brewing inside was fueled again, trying to decide whether I liked Jerry, or if it was the idea of something new to look forward to, instead of coming home to the same thing every day. Or maybe, maybe . . . it was because, finally after all this time, my mother was smiling like she meant it again.

Categories
Issues

Aja Todd


Into the Tides

 

(Several, unsent letters by Jonathan Somers were found at the edges of the sea and inside an abandoned boat. Presumably addressed to Persephone B. Wynn, it is uncertain to this day if every letter was retrieved. Due to the dates ruined by saltwater, these letters have been placed in their assumed order.)

 

Dearest Persephone,

What do you think of me? Two years have gone by since we first met. We’ve experienced the four seasons and every holiday together, two times over now. My family members wonder if you’re the one I’m fated to be with. I fantasize about the idea, as well; you’d look wonderful in white.

Yet, I feel guilty because we’ve never discussed our future. Do you plan on staying with me longer? Do you want to? Unfortunately, I’m the one who is an open book. You’re the mysterious one, but I’ve always adored that about you.

Just once I wish you’d tell me more, though.

Is it difficult to share your feelings with me? I feel I’ve told you my fair share. You’re always quiet when I do. You’re either nodding your head, giving a shy smile, or laughing merrily at an embarrassing moment of mine. There are times you hold my hand, caress my cheek, or silently say how much you love me with light kisses on my neck. You especially do the latter when I’m sad, even if I don’t tell you I am.

“Your eyes droop and close slightly when you’re upset,” you said to me once. “You also trace random letters on your thumb with a finger while you’re brooding over something.” You paused at my expression, and I remember wondering how you knew me better than I knew myself. You smiled a little as you continued, “And you’re happiest when you’re looking right at me and wondering if this is where you’re meant to be.” I recall kissing you then, quite passionately as well. My hands lingered in your hair, on your face, and finally rested at your sides. Your fingers toyed with my necklace before you placed them on my shoulders. I believe this was the morning when I accidentally spilled coffee on your dress a few hours later and we had to hurry back home. A Tuesday, I believe. I still apologize for that. You suffered a few burns on your legs, and tears formed at the corners of your eyes because you held in how much it hurt. You shouldn’t have to do that, I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me, or maybe you already have. I still think of it regardless. I’ll bring you back one day and we’ll have the date we were supposed to have, I promise.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

Somehow I had forgotten how much you loved the sea. Today we walked on its sandy beaches and you filled your small purse with beautiful seashells. Then you lifted your skirt so conservatively as you walked to the edge, letting the water swallow your feet and kiss your ankles. You were mesmerizing in the sunlight; I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who thought this. You were quiet though—quieter than usual. Is there something bothering you? I wish you’d tell me.

Persephone, when we get married, should our wedding be on a beach? I would prefer a church or just indoors; I wouldn’t want the rain to ruin our special day. I’ll ask you about it later. We have a lot of time on our hands and, my God, I haven’t even proposed.

I’m too . . . terrified to describe my feelings. Every time I think of it, I think of your grace and splendor. If you accepted me, you’d certainly be settling when you could venture for so much more. I don’t know if what I want for you is to settle. I wish for you to be happy, whether with or without me. There’s also the possibility of blunt rejection, in which case, our relationship would shortly end and I don’t know if my heart could handle that either.

Please, God, give me strength to propose, and give her faith in me to accept.

With love,

Jonathan

           

Dearest Persephone,

            You looked especially beautiful today. The rosiness in your cheeks flushed a brilliant red, due to the unexpected chill of spring, and your full lips fell into a smile I’ve never seen before.

Your hair has been growing longer and longer than what I’m used to. Do you plan on cutting it? I hope you don’t. I love how thoughtfully you pull it into a bun in the morning, only for it to slowly unravel throughout the day. I think I’ve fallen in love with every little thing you do with each passing moment. I wonder if you feel the same about me. Should I ask you, or would that be too much? I don’t wish to suffocate you. I don’t know if I am, if you never say anything to me.

Shouldn’t couples at this point know each other too well? I’m trying to wait patiently for that time. I dream of your head resting on my lap, our fingers intertwined. You’d excitedly tell me your desires, or cry softly because you misplaced your heart only to find it broken. I want to see all of these things. I want to be there to experience you, in a sense. When will that time come, Persephone?

With love,

Jonathan

           

Dearest Persephone,

            Sometimes, I’m afraid to look into your eyes. Before they spoke of wonder, now they hold a burning desire yet lostness I cannot name. It sends chills of disgust through me, though I do not know why. Instinctively, I look away. It isn’t because I’ve lost my love for you, but I apologize as I haven’t found a reason for my actions.

            What are you always thinking of, my dear? Why do your eyes drift to the heavens, to the ground, and to murky waters before you cast a weary smile at me? Why do riddles come out of your lips instead of real words? I’m afraid whether you’re growing hateful toward me or simply mad.

“Do you have a dream, Jonathan?” you asked me today. You were sitting by the window while you gazed longingly to the sea, your face mixed with passion and a grimace. Your blonde hair has grown fuller now, spilling over your shoulders with curled edges.

“Yes, I do,” I answered. “Almost everyone does.” You were quiet, hands on your lap. “Do you have a dream, Persephone?”

You pursed your lips, interlocking your fingers. Were you trembling? “I had forgotten it for a long time.” There was a pause, a short exhale of breath. “But I’ve recently remembered it.”

“What is your dream, dear?” You didn’t respond for a while. Suddenly, fear was taking hold of me again.

“I cannot tell you,” you said it bluntly, but there was a subtle crack at the end of your voice. Were you about to cry?

“Why not?”

“Because you would hate me.” I was surprised by this remark.

“I would never hate you, Persephone. I love you too much.” You didn’t believe me; I could tell by how you faced fully toward the window. Then you didn’t speak to me no matter how many times I repeated myself or said your name. I left you there, but maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should’ve held you in my arms. Maybe I should’ve spoken with actions and not words. I’ll try to bring this discussion up tomorrow.

But how can I reassure you that you are my everything? How can I redeem myself?

This is going to haunt me until I figure it out for you, I’m sure of it.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

You are sleeping beside me currently. This evening, we had dinner at Emily’s. It was a nice gathering of friends, and I noticed you laughed several times with Emmett. I’m glad you had a good time. I had asked Emily a couple days prior to make sure she cooked your favorite meals. You should be spoiled more often. I should spoil you more often.

Is there a place you want to travel to? Is there anything you’d like from the shops nearby? I’d like to ask you these mundane things. I want to grant all of your wishes.

We still haven’t talked about your dream. You always avoid the subject with a distraction or a sad smile. I don’t want to sadden you, Persephone, but I want you to tell me why you’re making that an expression. You used to be much happier. What will make you happy? As each second goes by, I’m beginning to believe it isn’t me.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

Have you lost your voice? Are you sick? You haven’t said a word for several weeks. I miss how sweetly you sound. I miss how your singing carried my worries away. I miss you, Persephone.

I can still feel how your back pressed into my chest this morning, how my arms were able to wrap around your thin body. I smelled the lilac in your hair and tasted the peppermint on your lips, but there wasn’t any warmth radiating off your skin. All you do is resemble a ghost of your former self. Each day I tell you what happened at work or with our friends, yet I can’t tell if you’re listening.

Do you even love me anymore? Are you dying? Is it both? I am lost. I cannot understand you unless you let me, Persephone. Please, stop this.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

Where have you gone? I’m scared. Your things are still here, untouched. You went out for a walk, but you have not returned.

I’ve already contacted the police because I’m worried about you. If it is something I did, I am so, so sorry, Persephone. I love you more than I can bear, and I want you to return home safely now, okay?

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

You are still missing. Were you looking at our photo album before? I’m sure it was you; it couldn’t have been anyone else.

Why did you scribble out your face with a pen? The black ink is sticking to my fingers. You drew on our photos so ferociously, the ink is reminding me of blood. You’re scaring me more, Persephone.

You didn’t . . . die, did you?

No, I don’t want to think it. I won’t.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

Worries are still haunting me. My imagination is growing and I don’t like the taste inside my mouth. It’s salty and bitter; it lingers no matter how much I try to wash it down.

I miss the taste of peppermint. I miss the sound of your bare feet on our wooden floors, the panels creaking under your light weight. You’re everywhere and nowhere. When I’m asleep, I hear the heavy silence you left me. Is this punishment? Was I not enough for you, or is my arrogance speaking for me, and I’m really not involved at all? I don’t know what to think. The future seems bleak and I can only look to the past, just so I can feel your arms around me, if only for a second.

How many weeks must go before you’re satisfied, Persephone? God? Whoever is torturing me and my sanity?

Persephone, what will I do without you? Please, come back.

With love,

Jonathan  

 

Dearest Persephone,

I saw you today. I finally saw you today. I was sitting in Emmett’s boat as it rested by the dock. He was gathering more bait when I saw you, and despite what he says, I’m certain that I did.

It was only your back—your beautiful, white back. Your hair was drenched and it clung to your skin, tossed over one shoulder. I’ve traced shapes and placed my lips on that back, I know it was your back and no one else’s. Emmett said I was delusional for the many months you’ve been gone. He said even sane people hallucinate at times.

But it was you. It was you who slipped back into the waters, a beautiful fish tail waving at me as you dove underneath the surface. I know it. I saw it, and I can’t unsee it.

My eyes had widened and I screamed your name until my throat burned. I almost jumped overboard until Emmett pulled me back, cupping a hand over my blubbering mouth. He told me to shut up before more people stared at me, but I couldn’t. I almost bit his hand off, actually.

But it was only because I was so overly ecstatic to see you that I couldn’t control myself. You were in front of me, safe and unharmed! Furthermore, I believe I learned what your dream was! It was to return to the sea, was it not? I should’ve known you were not a creature of this world. You are far too exquisite to be human!

Why on earth would you think I’d hate you after learning this? Is it because you knew you’d return one day, that we could not be together? There is no hate because of this, only sorrow. Like I have said before and will say forever: I will always love you, Persephone. I hope you know that.

With so much love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

I decided to visit “you” at the beach today. It’s been a long time since I have written to you. The water feels cold on my feet. Does it feel good to you? I hope so, my dear. You still deserve the best.

What are you exactly, I wonder. Are you really called a mermaid? Or are you something humans cannot yet fathom?

I have tried to get over you, Persephone, but everything reminds me of you. There is this longing I cannot shake off, and this prickling pain in my chest. I feel it growing stronger and stronger by the minute. Will it consume me one day? That is what I have been wondering as of recent. I’m scared, yet not at the same time. I don’t mind it, because I’m sure you were afraid too, Persephone, before you returned to the sea. I will hold out for a little longer.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

I haven’t found you yet. I keep going to the sea, day and night, night and day. Work has been calling, they’re wondering why I haven’t returned. I don’t want to return. I want to be with you. I miss the touch of your skin, my lips pressed against yours. I’m still madly in love with you . . . and maybe I should stress the word mad.

I see you everywhere I go. You can take this romantically and picture this as daydreaming, but I believe I’m borderline hallucinating. I can hear you even though I know I shouldn’t. I feel you with me even though I know you aren’t.

There was one time I was lying in bed and you were somehow curled up next to me, the edges of your newfound tail brushing against my leg. I instinctively moved my hand toward your side, running my fingers down your fish scales and lingering for several minutes. I was repulsed yet entranced at the same time. You used to have legs, and it is completely alright that you don’t anymore, but I absolutely apologize for my subconscious disgust. I quickly quell it every time it shows itself, and I instead admire the indescribable beauty you have.

Your still-growing hair was resting upon your bare breasts, beautiful waves and curls dancing upon them. Your eyes gleamed with an unexpected fascination and desire toward me, so much that my face felt hot.

“Come find me,” you whispered, your teeth sharp and peeking out of your lips. “Let’s be together.” Your words burned and ran through my entire body. I absent-mindedly nodded my head, and before I knew it, you were gone. And I was wide awake.

Yet, I still haven’t found you.

How far do I have to search, my dear?

Am I getting closer?

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

The sun feels hot on my skin. I’m sitting here in this boat by myself; Emmett is too selfish to lend me his boat now. He used to do it before, but now he’s severely against it.

The boat is cramped and wooden, only enough room for two. That’s alright with me. It cost much more than it’s worth surely, but we had a lot of money saved. I assumed it was okay to use since this is what you desire, for me to find you.

How far do you travel each day? Do you ever go to the shore to see what you have left behind? Will you tell me? Can you speak?

I have so many questions for you, Persephone. I can’t wait to meet again. I love you.

With love,

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

I have run out of food and water, but I’m terrified, Persephone. If I leave, what if we miss each other? What if you’re nearby?

I don’t want to miss you, I won’t. I cannot do that. I don’t care what Emmett, Emily, and the others think. We are meant to be. We belong together. We will see each other again. Definitely.

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

I love your hair, your eyes, your back, your smile, your arms, your tail, your skin, your skin, your taste, your taste, your taste, your skin.

Hold me, kiss me, touch me, feel me.

I

know

I

will

never

return

again.

Jonathan

 

Dearest Persephone,

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

Jonathan

Dearest Persephone,

(“BACK AND FORTH, THE BOAT ROCKS. BACK AND FORTH” is written on the side of the final letter. His writing is scratchy and blurred together.)

I still hallucinate that I see you, Persephone.

You appear transparent. (“LIKE THE SUNLIGHT THAT USED TO ADORE YOU” is crossed out several times.)

You always open your mouth and smile when you look at me.

I feel you in my skin. I feel you devouring me.

(One sentence is written across all the words, ink blots and scribbles filling the rest of the page.)

“EAT ME ALREADY.”

Categories
Issues

Alexis Bowe


The Proof Is in the Panties

 

Fiona’s tiny little body comes waddling toward me as I sit on the couch, flipping through channels on the TV. When she stops at my feet, she begins making throaty hacking noises.

I kneel down beside her and run my hand over the thin velvety mane of her back. “What’s wrong?” I ask, stroking her fur as she continues to cough and hack.

And then finally, she begins to regurgitate, and spits out something pink and lacy that I have to pull from the back of her throat. When she finally coughs up the tiny thong, I stare at it sitting on the floor amongst the chunky bile.

It’s the type of thong I would never wear. Lace irritates my sensitive bikini area, so I only wear cotton, and I’ve never liked pink. It’s the type of thong you wear when you’re trying to look sexy. It’s the type of thong you wear for a man.

Fiona nudges her wet nose against my thigh, which is still level to her, as I kneel over these panties that are mocking me now. She lets out a low sympathetic whimper as if to say, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

“Come on,” I tell her, rising back to my feet and walking to the kitchen. She trots behind me, sitting down on the tile floor as I take out a Dentastix from the box we keep on top of the fridge. She gnaws gratefully on it when I give it to her.

I look back into the living room, back at the vomited up pair of panties, and I feel numb. When could this have happened? It had to have been one of the nights I worked late at the restaurant this week. He brought her, whoever the fuck she is, into my apartment. Into my bed. He fucked her where we sleep. Where he fucks me.

I don’t want to try and imagine what this girl looks like, but my brain is unstoppable now. She’s probably prettier than me. After all, why would he go behind my back to fuck someone who’s less attractive than I am? Of course she’s prettier.

She’s probably got a big ass and a tiny stomach. Perky breasts and tiny little mosquito bite nipples that are somehow always hard. The kind of nipples that porn stars have. In my mind, she’s tan with dark features. The complete opposite of my pale blonde self.

I bet she’s good at applying makeup, too. I bet her eyeliner doesn’t smudge when he’s fucking her, even when they do it doggy style, and her face is buried in the pillow on which I lay my head down at night. She probably lets him cum on her face. A girl who wears panties like that always lets the guy cum on her face.

And I bet she’s never too tired or too stressed, or just not in the mood. I bet she’s ready whenever, waiting patiently by her cell phone for his text. Come over. And when she gets it, she puts on her lacy pink panties, and does her hair and her makeup, and comes to my apartment to fuck my boyfriend in my bed.

She knows about me too. She has to. A single guy wouldn’t have a hair straightener sitting on his bathroom counter, or Minnetonka boots sitting by his front door, or a framed photo of me and my sister sitting on the desk in his room. And even if he was smart enough to hide all of these traces of me and then put them back exactly where they were before I got home, he couldn’t mask the smell of the Japanese cherry blossom wallflower that I’d gotten from Bath & Body Works or the faint scent of J’adore that lingers in the air after I spritz it on every morning.

No, she knows about me. She knows and she came here and fucked him anyways.

I glance down at Fiona, who’s almost finished up her Dentastix, and realize that she was here during it. He brought that bitch around my baby.

She looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and I can’t help but feel like she ate the panties on purpose, or as if she intended to throw them up in front of me, to inform me of what went on here when I wasn’t around.

I kneel down again and nuzzle my head against hers, giving her a kiss on her slightly pudgy scrunched-up face. “Oh Fi,” I say, keeping her head close to mine. “What are we gonna do now?”

 

I pace around the apartment until he arrives home, leaving the panties exactly where Fiona threw them up, right in front of the couch. I want to see the look on his face when he realizes what they are. I want to see the look on his face when he realizes that I know.

When I hear his keys jiggling in the lock of the front door, Fiona and I both perk up. She waddles over to the door, wagging her little stub of a tail and barking her squeaky bark at him.

“Relax,” he says to her. She hovers around his ankles as he closes the door. “Rachel, can you please control your dog?”

I stand next to the panties with my arms crossed over my chest. I don’t say a word.

“Rach?” He looks up at me now, confusion knitting his eyebrows together.

I feel a pang of grief, cold and rock hard inside my chest, as his eyes meet mine. I decided in those forty-two minutes between Fiona throwing up the panties and Nick arriving home, that this was the final straw. I was going to break up with him. I was so confident in my decision, so ready to go off on him the moment he walked in the door. But now, standing in front of him, with those green eyes I’d come to know so well over the past two years staring back at me, all I can think about is how we’ll never get to go on that trip to Denver he promised me when I told him that I’d never seen a mountain in real-life before.

I stare back at him, my lips pressed into a tight line, watching as his eyes linger down to my feet where the panties lay. They go wide with recognition, then dart away nervously.

“So?” I say to him.

He begins sliding his shoes off, keeping his head down, avoiding my gaze. I stare at his profile, at that angular jaw, prickly with a five o’clock shadow.

When he looks up at me, it’s only momentarily. “What?” he says, already defensive.

I scoff. “You tell me.”

His eyes dance over to the panties again. “Did Fiona eat a pair of your underwear or something? I’ve told you that you need to train that dog better. She’s always getting into shit and barking at me every time I come into the room.”

Fiona stands at his ankles, still wagging her tail, her pointy little ears perked up.

“She barks at you because she doesn’t like you, and she doesn’t like you because you’re an asshole to us,” I remark.

He hangs his keys on the hook near the door and slips out of his leather jacket, tossing it over the arm of the couch.

“How am I an asshole to you?” he asks, and I can’t tell if he truly doesn’t know or if he’s just buying time.

“Gee,” I say. “How are you an asshole to me? Should we start with the yelling or the gaslighting?” I put a finger up in the air, my eyes lighting up theatrically. “Oh I know! Let’s start with the cheating.” I re-cross my arms and narrow my eyes at him.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he says to me, darting his eyes away again.

“Those panties are not mine,” I say. “So if they’re not mine, then who the fuck’s are they?”

His hands go up in exasperation. “How should I know? They’re not mine.”

“And yet they’re here in our apartment. So if they don’t belong to either of us, then how did they end up here? I’m not stupid, Nick. Just save us both some time and admit it already!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He is resilient. That’s okay, though. I expected him to be.

This isn’t the first time I’ve accused him of cheating. I’ve had suspicions before. Little inklings that nagged at me each time he set his phone face down on the table, or didn’t text back when I came home to an empty apartment after work and messaged him to ask where he was. Whenever I confronted him about these suspicions, he’d always find a way to turn it on me. To make me feel like I was crazy to doubt his faithfulness.

I knew that today would be no different. I knew his first instinct would be to lie. But the difference between today and all those other days, is that today I have proof.

He walks past me into the kitchen and grabs a PBR out of the fridge, popping the tab open loudly. Fiona trots over to the space between him and I. She looks at me, then back to him, as if letting me know that she’s still got her eye on him for me.

“You are such a fucking liar,” I snap. “I have proof that you cheated laying right here on the floor next to me, and you’re gonna stick with your I don’t know bullshit? It’s over. You’re caught. Just admit it already!”

He takes a long sip from his beer can before responding. When he sets it down, he’s got this smug, condescending look in his eyes, and it makes me wonder if part of him enjoys these fights we have. If maybe somewhere deep down, he gets off on manipulating me into believing that I’m crazy. If he likes having that power over me.

“I’m not gonna admit to something that I didn’t do,” he says. We stare across the counter at each other in a stalemate.

I feel my nails begin to dig into my palms and realize that I’ve balled my hands into fists at my sides. It’s bad enough that he made a fool out of me by cheating on me in the apartment that I let him move into, and in the bed that I allowed him to sleep in. It’s bad enough that all our friends are probably going to take his side, even though he’s the one who cheated, because they were his friends first, so there’s a level of loyalty to him that they must abide by. It’s bad enough that I didn’t listen to my gut that first time, nine months into the relationship, when I thought he was acting suspicious.

But for him to stand here and lie to my face, to try to keep me from leaving him, so that he can continue to cheat on me, to manipulate me, is just too much.

“Stop fucking lying to me!” My voice thunderously roars throughout the apartment. A frightened whimper escapes Fiona’s throat, and she looks up at me with wide eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” Nick says, slamming his beer down on the counter. “Do you hear yourself? You sound psychotic.”

My arms begin shaking and I feel my throat begin to constrict. Do not cry, I silently order myself. Not now. Not in front of him.

“What’s psychotic is the fact that you lie so much that I actually think you believe the things you say sometimes. Lying comes more naturally to you than honesty does.”

He rolls his eyes at me and lets out a snicker. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s like you tell yourself these things about me, and you trick yourself into believing them, even though they aren’t true. Those are probably your panties, but you want so badly to be able to be right for once that you’ve made yourself believe they’re someone else’s.”

I know they aren’t mine, but I can’t help but think back to all the pairs of panties I’ve ever owned, all the trips to Victoria’s Secret I’ve ever taken. Maybe I bought them and forgot about them. Maybe I bought them and just never wore them, because the lace irritated my skin.

No.

I will not let him do this to me again.

“They’re not mine and you aren’t going to trick me into thinking that they are.” Good, I tell myself. Stand your ground.

“Whatever. You can keep on telling yourself that I cheated, but that’s not gonna make it true. It’s only gonna drive you even more crazy.”

I knew he’d lie at first, but I thought by now he’d come around. I have physical evidence of his infidelity after all. How much longer can he really deny it?

“If you’re not cheating, then show me your phone.”

“I’m not going to show you my phone just to prove myself to you. I respect your privacy, so respect mine.”

I pull my cell phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and hold it up to him. “Here,” I say. “Go ahead and look through it. Unlike you, I have nothing to hide.”

He shakes his head. Darts his eyes away. Takes a sip of his beer.

“I’m not going to look through your phone, Rach. I don’t need to. I trust you.”

“Well I don’t trust you.”

“Well that’s not my fucking fault.”

We both stare at each other now, waiting for someone to crack. That someone is usually me. It’s easier to listen to Nick when he tells me that he doesn’t want anyone but me, and that I’m being paranoid, than it is to listen to my gut when it tells me he’s full of shit. It’s easier to pretend that everything is fine, than to accept the fact that it isn’t.

But I can’t pretend that everything is fine anymore. Not with these panties lying on the ground next to me.

“Get out,” I say.

“What?” he demands.

“Get out!” I shout, so loud that the words scratch my throat. “Grab what you need for tonight and get the fuck out of my apartment. We’ll figure out a time for you to come back for the rest of your things, but right now you need to go.”

He chuckles wryly at me. “Babe, calm down. You’re getting worked up over nothing. Why don’t you have a beer with me and we’ll work this all out, okay?”

“No,” I remark. “I don’t want a beer and I don’t want to work anything out. What I want is for you to leave. Now.”

I’ve never taken it this far before. I’ve screamed and yelled and cried and threatened, but I’ve always fallen through at the end. I’ve always allowed myself to think about all of the good things about Nick—the dimple he gets in his right cheek when he smiles really big, those lazy Sunday mornings when he makes us breakfast and we eat it in bed together naked, how he always makes sure that I bring a snack with me when he knows I’m working a long shift at the restaurant. I start to think of all the good things and it makes the bad things seem less real. But despite how much Nick may or may not love me, one thing I know for sure now, is that he’s cheated on me. He did a very bad thing, and no amount of big dimpled smiles or breakfasts in bed can erase that.

“You can’t just kick me out,” he says, growing angry now. “I live here too!”

“Is your name on the lease?” I retort, and my mouth can’t help but curl up into a smirk after I say this, because I have the power now and, damn, does it feel good.

He deadpans me, a muscle in his jaw twitching, as he grits his teeth together behind closed lips. He shakes his head gently, saying nothing.

“No, it’s not,” I answer for him. “So give me your key and get the fuck out. Go stay with your other girlfriend.”

His grip tightens around his can of beer, denting the aluminum. With a sudden jerk of his arm, he heaves it into the sink. It lands with a loud clash, amber colored beer fizzing out, making both Fiona and I jump.

“Fine,” he says, his voice oozing with venom. “I’ll leave. But when you wake up tomorrow and realize what a huge mistake you’ve made, don’t come crawling back to me.”

“Believe me, I won’t,” I remark. I knit my arms together over my chest, and follow him into the bedroom, watching as he packs his clothes, toothbrush, deodorant, and phone charger all into the duffle bag he usually takes to the gym. Fiona trots along beside me, never leaving my side.

When he’s done, I follow him back out into the living room. He slips his jacket and shoes back on and slings his gym bag over his shoulder. I watch as he takes his key ring off the hook by the door and begins fumbling with it. As I watch him struggle to remove that little gold key, I think back to the day when I gave it to him. We’d been together for a year at that point. The lease on his apartment was coming to an end, so I told him he could come over and I’d help him look for a new apartment. Only when he got there, I said that I’d already found one that would be perfect for him.

“It’s this really great one-bedroom in Wicker Park, right off of Milwaukee Avenue. It’s walking distance from the Blue Line, and best of all, it’s really close to me,” I told him.

“Wow, really?” he replied, his eyes lighting up. “That’s great! Should we call to go look at it?”

It was then that I smiled and pulled the key that I’d gone to the machine at 7-Eleven to make a copy of that morning out of my pocket and handed it to him. “You’re actually already here,” I said.

Now, he takes that key and throws it onto the carpeted floor in front of him. He turns around, about to leave.

“I think you’re forgetting something,” I say just before his hand reaches the doorknob.

He stops and lets out an exaggerated sigh before turning around to face me. “What?” he demands.

I glance down to the panties that lay at my feet.

“You’re kidding, right?” he asks. I don’t laugh. I’m not kidding. He scoffs. “Fuck you. Those aren’t mine. Your dog is the one who puked them up, so you can clean them up yourself.”

I’m boiling over on the inside. My body has a mind of its own, and it doesn’t think twice before reaching down for the panties and flinging them in his direction as he turns back around. When they land with a splat on the back of his leather jacket then fall to his feet, I can practically see the smoke fuming out of his ears.

I wait for him to react, but he just stands there with clenched fists and tensed shoulders. And then he leaves. The door slams behind him, making me flinch. And then silence.

I feel a tickle on my ankle and look down to find Fiona nuzzling her head against me. I smile and scoop her up into my arms, kissing the crown of her silky head.

We walk into the kitchen and I grab two black garbage bags from underneath the sink, then walk into the bedroom and set Fiona down on the bed where she circles around before finding a comfy spot to curl up into a ball on. She watches with wide brown eyes as I open the drawers of the dresser, and begin putting everything that belongs to Nick into the garbage bag I’m holding.

All of the overpriced t-shirts from brands like Obey and Supreme and Thrasher. The countless pairs of plaid boxers and Nike briefs. All the rolled up pairs of socks. The many pairs of jeans and basketball shorts and track pants.

When the first bag is full, I move to the closet and begin filling the second one with all of the shirts and jackets of his that are hanging in it. I toss the half-empty tub of protein powder that he left sitting on the floor near the bed in there, too. Then I move into the living room and dump all of his videogames inside. I’ll figure out how to unplug the PlayStation later.

I top it off with the pair of panties that I grab off of the living room floor, then tie both bags shut and set them by the front door. I pour baking soda on the vomit, and go back into the bedroom, plopping down on the bed next to Fiona. As I lay back on my elbows, glancing around my bedroom, an odd sense of serenity washes over me.

“Oh Fi,” I say, stroking that spot behind her ear that she loves. “What are we gonna do now?”

Categories
Issues

Table of Contents


Spring, 2020

 

David Friedman Memorial Award


The David Friedman Award offers a cash prize to the best story or essay published in Hair Trigger each year. Our thanks go to David Friedman’s family, who established this fund in fall 2002 as a memorial to their son, a talented writer and painter, as well as an alumnus of Columbia College Chicago and a great friend to the English & Creative Writing Department—Fiction Program’s students and faculty.

Congratulations to Sophia Okugawa-Stoller for her story, “The Quarry,” the 2020 winner of the David Friedman Award.

Student Anthology

Sophia Okugawa-Stoller

  • The Quarry

Aliza Rizvi

  • Smell Syndrome

Allison Darhun

  • Unsteady

Shaniece Rattler

  • Little Thing

Brooklyn Kiosow

  • Peanuts and Palm Trees

Darcy Dillon

  • Kited

Bianca Rodriguez

  • Summer Fruit Sunsets

Kelsey Esotque

  • Come Away to the Water

Grace Smithwick

  • Twenty-Six

Diana Chrisman

  • Laundry Series

Categories
Issues

Sophia Okugawa-Stoller

David Friedman Award Winner


The Quarry

 

The sky was hanging low over Sheridan like a canopy collecting rainwater, swelling with pressure and procrastinating an inevitable collapse into a storm. I was sitting on a rock in my yellow and white striped two-piece, hugging my knees to my chest and fiddling with my toes. It was the summer of 1983, and I had just turned sixteen. My older brother, Paul, held up the damp, but still burning, joint.

“Do you want this?” he asked, acknowledging how lame it looked. I half dried my hand on my bathing suit bottom before pinching it between my fingers. We were perched on the edge of the quarry that sat beyond the guardrail and through the woods at the end of Copperhill Lane. It looked like God had taken a spoonful out of the earth, and for Paul and I, it was like standing on the precipice of our youth. This was our last day before moving west to California to live with our dad and, after spending the morning in the river, we had come to say goodbye.

“Do you think they will ever find Dan . . .? I started, but Paul was already shaking his head.

“This whole town is a sinkhole. It literally eats people alive,” he said, and gave a sad smile.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I just can’t be upset about it anymore, ya know?” he looked out at the water, ignoring me.

I placed the soggy joint between my lips and pulled a trickle of resistant smoke through its middle. I thought of how much rolling paper reminded me of bible pages. My skin prickled in the end of summer air, and Paul tried handing me a towel, but I waved it away. I wanted to feel September in my hometown for the last time, even if it was cold, plus, I wanted Paul to feel a little bad for what he had said. Goose bumps rose and fell on my arms, and the solitary ray of sun that had been my only relief slid behind the shade of a tree. The rock we were on was made of a pumice-like stone and I could feel it fraying the butt of my bathing suit as I shifted my weight. The smoke settled in my lungs and I had an overwhelming urge to be alone because, for some reason, in that moment, it felt like if were to yell at the quarry, it might yell back.

My chance came when Paul announced he was going back to “Jeepy”¾a beat up, blue Jeep Cherokee he had used his grocery bagging money to buy¾for more beer. This meant walking almost half a mile through the woods. This would be enough distance to muffle the conversation I felt was brewing between the quarry and myself.

“Alison, don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” he said, and gave me a sideways look, his straight, brown hair falling into his eyes. He meant it, too. I nodded and gave a reassuring smile. He threw his towel over his shoulder, slid his wet feet into a pair of gritty flip-flops and disappeared into the woods. I watched until the reflective stripe on his swim trunks faded into the foliage before turning to breathe in the smell of fishy water and copper on the wind. Just then, the yellow and black spotted leaves above me rustled like tambourine bangles against the sky, and a small pile of dirt in a crevice of the rock danced itself into a tornado. The quarry was ready. I could feel it. Already stretching two football fields wide, the massive body of water became even bigger in my eyes, and deeper in my thoughts. I mustered my courage, expanded my lungs till I felt they might pop, and into the middle of the circle, I yelled, “Give him back!” but my voice was an echo, returning to me in a tinny howl, reverberating off of the stone in different pitches. I thought I saw the water ripple a little at my cry, so again, I screamed, “He’s not yours, you piece of shit!” The anger in my shriek shook on the trip back. I felt a little stupid and a little stoned for yelling into nothing, but I meant what I said. The lack of response made my anger turn into desperation that crawled up my throat in a sore lump. The quarry was ignoring me, pretending that I wasn’t its problem, making me look like a lunatic.

“Danny,” I said quietly, and then louder, “Danny, Danny,” I said it probably a dozen times. “You can come out now,” I told him as if he only needed to be coaxed from his watery grave. The wind came then and ruffled the water sideways. I heard it lapping down below where it met with the steep cliff.

I closed my eyes and begged to some higher power, trying to convince it to prove its existence to me by granting my wish. I kept my eyes pressed tight, remembering Danny standing outside my window one night, trampling my mothers poinsettias and giving me a devilish grin through the glass. “Wake up, sleepy head, we’ll sleep when we’re dead,” he said, an ominous little poem in hindsight. We broke into the motel pool that night and swam in our underwear, paddling around till our skin had pruned, before we were brave enough to swim together, let our legs lock under the water, and find a kiss. I didn’t know it then, but that kiss was the one that all others would never measure up to. “See you tomorrow, kid,” he said as he gave me a leg up through my bedroom window.

That night, I laid awake on top of my blankets in my damp clothes until the sun rose. I remembered his shoulders hunched over his schoolwork in class. I had sat behind him most of middle school, relaxing my chin into my palm, pretending to take in the hieroglyphics on the chalkboard beyond him, but secretly watching the smooth way he turned his head, revealing his profile just enough that I could guess the look on his face. Danny had a bit of a crooked nose and a shine on his cheek from the side, but when he looked at you head on, his eyes would flatter you with secrets that escaped in slow, soft blinks. The thing I thought about most was the way he walked: humble, but cool, as though he owned the world, but was steadily rooting for the underdog at the same time. He would walk down our school halls; stopping for a brief moment here and there to lean on a locker and, ever so effortlessly, one foot would slide over the other to rest. He would pose there like a black and white photo, shadowy in the swagger of adolescence. I was young, but I was in love. I loved him so much that an ache had settled in my jaw from clenching my teeth all day to keep from saying it out loud.

Some might call us victims of circumstance, growing up two houses apart from each other and all. We shared the same bus stop, the same teachers, and the same summer barbeques. Maybe they were right. Maybe if another boy had moved into the upstairs bedroom of that blue house on Willit Street, I would have fallen in love with him too, but I like to think Danny was special. I like to think there was some karmic reason for our proximity, that we were tied into each other’s fates because the universe knew something we could only guess. If such a fate had existed, though, we never had the chance to know it, thanks to the quarry, which had robbed us of that, the summer before, swinging our fate into a parallel universe in an instant.

The night it happened five of us were there, passing a bottle of cheap red wine around in a circle. It had changed hands so many times that it was warm. No one noticed Danny was not there, until someone said, “What’s he doing?” and we all looked up. It was as if he had just appeared on the other side of the quarry, standing there in the moonlight like a totem, his bare chest glowing white.

“Danny, what the hell,” Paul had said in an almost annoyed tone while balancing the wine bottle precariously on a rock. I smiled nervously in the dark because I knew there was a chance that this show of bravery was inspired by my presence. This smile haunts me; I see it in the mirror, foolishly giddy and still smiling to itself. We watched as Danny dove head first into the water so many feet below.

“Wait!” was all I said as he flew through the air. The time it took him to fall seemed to stretch like taffy on a pull, becoming longer and softer, mesmerizing us into silence like kids at a candy store window. The immortality of youth flapped around him like a cape on the way down, and then a small splash, no louder than a fish biting a fly, sounded from the dark spot he landed. His dive was so precise; he seemed to simply slip inside the water without cracking the surface. The deafening silence that followed is what made us run toward the spot he had flown from. By the time I reached the other side, my lungs were burning and the acid from the wine was making me hiccup.

“Where is he?” we asked each other as if one of us must have known. Even on the brightest of days, the quarry’s water burned black and reflective like tar with oily ripples of purples and reds from the rusted minerals swimming through it, but on this night it was so dark that even the moonlight couldn’t find it¾couldn’t find Danny in it, either. Waiting there on the edge for the sound of a gasp, or the liquid pull of arms through the water as they breast-stroked to the rope that was slung down the side, we started to panic.

“Why isn’t he coming up?” I said, looking at Paul, who’s face had gone as white as the moon above us. His desperate expression made me cold. My big brother was never afraid; never unsure of what to do, but here he was changing colors and shivering like a lost dog. No one was in charge. We stood there, waiting to grow up.

“Move,” I said finally, and started pulling off my sweater, but Paul pushed me back by the chest, the same way Mom did when we would come to a sudden stop in the car.

“No, I’m going in,” he said, and before we could argue he had jumped, flailing in the air, rushing and hesitating all at the same time before crashing into the water, cracking its glass surface like a cannon. The rest of us huddled together, whimpering, and I dropped to my knees where Danny’s feet had just been to peer over the edge and listen as Paul took big hurried breaths before going under again and again, for what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes.

The quarry must have pulled Danny so far down that he lost his grasp on which way was up. It must have liked the way he felt so much that it refused to let him go. He went too far in, and the quarry wouldn’t let him come out.

The search went on for days, divers in alien wet suits popped up like turtles, before waving empty arms and slipping again beneath the dark mirror, but the quarry had already taken him to its hiding place. Perhaps it thought of him as a token, and placed him in a shoebox underneath its bed. They say that, sometimes, the earth below a quarry can give out, that a canyon even further down than the bottom of the pit can exist. They say that is where he must have been.

His parents were uncomfortably quiet at the funeral, weeping in small sniffles over an empty casket. I watched his mother hang her head when as it was lowered into the ground, rubbing her pearl necklace like prayer beads. I could not bear to look her in the eyes because I had smiled and if she saw me, she would know it.

 

The wind died down and I gave up on listening for an answer. I turned my attention to the silver birch tree to my right. This particular tree was referred to as the Hump Tree¾a juvenile pun, due to the distinct curves on the lower part of the birch’s trunk. It must have had a good reason for growing that way, but whatever it had been avoiding in its youth had long gone, leaving the gesture to appear silly and overdramatic without it, especially to the cruelty of teenage humor. Because of its deformity, high school kids and stray hikers had taken to etching their initials inside hearts on its trunk. To see Danny and I’s initials up there had been a shamefully childish wish of mine, and this was my last chance. My Swiss Army knife lived in the front zipper pocket of my backpack at the time. Despite never having used it before, I liked to carry it around, feel its weight in my bag. I pulled it out that day and stuck my thumbnail in the groove. Out sprung a fresh blade the size of my pointer finger. The tree was cluttered with lovers’ names, some crossed out with a hard X from jilted affairs. When I finally found a space big enough for my design, I began to cut away at the wood. It was surprisingly easy. Once I got past the bark, the meat of the tree split like butter under the knife. The heart extended a bit too long at the meeting point because my hand had slipped, but I liked that it would stand out from the rest. I put my own initial in one half and where Danny’s would have gone, I left an empty space.

“It’s your turn,” I said to the water, but my strange request echoed back to me a few times, mixing with the breeze. I inspected the quarry with my eyes, waiting for something to emerge, but it was still, so still in fact, that it made me nervous. Then a crack of thunder like a gunshot came from the sky and the canopy above finally ripped apart, dumping water down in heavy, blinding sheets. I didn’t move, though. I didn’t want the quarry to think I was afraid. I kept watching, letting the rain beat down on me while I searched for the figure of a boy, maybe climbing the walls or floating on his back, enjoying his death. For a moment, I thought someone was standing on the other side looking at me, but I was distracted by Paul’s voice through the woods, and when I looked again across the quarry, the mirage had vanished back into the trees.

 

The next day, we boarded a train that would take us to the rest of our lives. The years began to pass with greater speed. I finished high school and thinned under the sun in the West. My hair grew long and had less curl to it. My flesh tanned a dry brown, instead of the sweaty, red, burn of the South. Eventually, most items I kept as mementos of my childhood became foreign keepsakes and were given to thrift stores during address changes. In college, I started to pull my hair back into a tight bun and quote dead men with pride. Then the medical books came and I needed thin framed glasses and shoes that went click on linoleum. A few years later I met a man. He had nice eyes and we knew each other for a time before we married on a beach in front of family and friends. He smelled like coffee and oranges. He reminded me of my adult side, my strong side. My dreamy teenage tendencies were packed into storage boxes and replaced by the comforts of logic and routine. I found safety in the human anatomy, bodies like shells, exoskeletons of function, survival, procreation, nothing more, nothing less. The girl who had thought she could talk to the dead existed only in photographs that were lost in the rubble of age.

It was fifteen years later when I found myself back in Sheridan for Paul’s third wedding. He was engaged to a girl he had dated in high school, and so they had settled back in our hometown. “Third time’s a charm,” my husband and I joked on the drive to the church. During the reception, while the crowd took advantage of the open bar, Paul and I ended up sitting at small table littered with half-eaten pieces of vanilla cake with lemon icing and champagne flutes.

“I’m glad you came back,” he said, picking at the label on his beer bottle.

“Well, I didn’t have much of a choice,” I teased.

“I know you hate it here,” he said, and I felt bad. I wasn’t sure if that were true, but I had avoided coming back for so long that it made sense he would say that.

“There are just too many memories,” I said, trying poorly to explain myself, but we both knew what I meant.

“Well, that’s the difference between us,” he said.

“Oh, I’m too sensitive, is that it?” I raised an eyebrow.

“No, you have a better memory than me.”

“Well, that’s true,” we laughed. The party danced around us as we sat in silence, watching.

“They are draining the quarry this week,” Paul said suddenly and then looked away as if he immediately regretted sharing that information. My chest tightened at this, and before I could ask any more about it, sloppy Aunt Linda, appeared jiggling her hips, and pulled Paul up by his arms for a dance.

I tried to keep my mind off the quarry, but it kept creeping into my thoughts, uninvited. As I talked with cousins about the accomplishments of their children I had never met, my mind wandered out of the dance hall and through the empty streets of the town. As I rested my head on my husband’s shoulder for a slow dance, it walked to the end of Copperhill Lane, past the guardrail and through the woods. As I clapped for my brother and his new bride, my mind stood on the edge of the cliff looking out over a massive black well, waiting.

Our flight was scheduled for the next day, and as I lifted my suitcase into the trunk in the hotel parking lot, a gust of wind came up around me, carrying on it the scent of something metallic, lonely and familiar. It made me stop and close my eyes for a moment. As I drove, the Blue Ridge Mountains and their hazy, purple smog pulled away in frames. With each mile an idle panic in my legs set in, causing them to jitter on the pedals. I could feel something pulling me back as if a rope were tethered around my middle, cutting into my ribs. The further away I drove, the more it tugged at me. Before I knew what I was doing, the car was turning itself around. I was under the command of something spontaneous, ancient, something that was whispering to me from deep below. My husband questioned me, confused, but I couldn’t hear him through the wind in my head.

The car parked itself at the end of Copperhill Lane, and before my husband could unbuckle his seat belt, I had stepped over the guardrail and begun marching through the woods. When I emerged at the quarry, the ominous pool from my nightmares had disappeared, and in its place a canyon was left. I stared in awe at its emptiness, and then at the group of men in hard hats that were gathered around something on the ground in a small circle. A powdery dust floated through the air, settling in the hairs on my arms and turning into mud in the sweat of my upper lip. When my tongue slid across it, I could taste the grainy soil from the bottom of the quarry. There was an odd tension as I approached the scene. I looked back to my husband who had almost caught up. He stopped when he saw my face and waited for me by the tree line, sensing that I needed to go ahead alone. The men were mumbling in somber, inaudible tones. One man sitting on a pile of metal rods was smoking a cigarette and there were no construction sounds, no drills or saws or machine-droning engines. Work had stopped here and only the woods made noise. Birds fluttered from branch to branch ,yelling to one another, and the wind made the trees shake. The men looked at me as I approached them.

“What is it?” I asked, looking to the middle of their circle. I could see that one of them was preparing to tell me I couldn’t be there, but then something must have stopped him because he bowed his head.

“Let me see,” I said, peering down at their feet.

“It’s a body, ma’am. Don’t think you should look, it’s been down there a long time,” he told me.

“I have to see,” I said, and maybe they could tell that I wasn’t going to give up, or maybe they just wanted to show someone else the strange thing they had found, but one of the men knelt down and pulled back the blue tarp they had covered it with.

It was awful, as awful as death can be when you see it like that, naked, without its wig and makeup on. It’s not the plastic version of your grandmother they show you in the funeral viewing room, who looks like she could wake up and speak at any moment, like she is “playing dead.” This was the real thing, the bones of us, what every one of us is underneath it all, if left out for the elements to play with. I had seen dead bodies hundreds of times, but unlike the cadavers I had stuck my hands in at school, these bones made me bite the inside of my cheek. I loved these bones. The flesh I had daydreamed about, had kissed once many years ago used to be on these bones. It was all stripped away, just a skeleton now, but still, it was him, frozen in time forever. He had never left that night. While the rest of us had moved on, he had floated in the dark shadow of the world above.

“It’s a kid I think,” the man pondered out loud. “There have been five or six kids that died in this quarry, but only one kid they never found, that I know of. That was way back in the day, fifteen years ago now.”

“Danny,” I said under my breath, but the men didn’t hear me. We were all looking at him for a while, the same way people around a campfire lock eyes with the flames. I tore myself away finally, and the men closed the circle behind me, continuing to stare into the orbital sockets of life’s greatest mystery. I glanced over to my husband, who raised his arms in a question, but I couldn’t go back to him just yet.

I stared at the pit. It was sad and empty without its glassy black top, without its boy token. The bottom was scattered with rocks and construction equipment that had rusted into Swiss cheese, tetanus infested formations. I looked at the rock across the way, and could almost see Danny in the moonlight getting ready to jump. I went to it, leaving my husband even further behind. The rock was still there like a sharp sponge, and the hump tree was next to it, still comically bent. I hadn’t dreamed it up. This place had been there all these years. I found my heart on the trunk from its long tail, and in the space where I was sure I had left a blank spot all those years ago, was the clear and unmistakable letter “D.” My hand went to it, to make sure it was real. I traced its lines with my fingers. It was cut into the wood as sharply as any other carving. I smiled. Danny had come back. I looked across the quarry to my small marriage on the other side. He seemed a thousand miles away.

Categories
Issues

Aliza Rizvi


Smell Syndrome

 

Breathe in.         

          The cold metal touched my back.
          Breathe out.

          Repeat.
          In.

          Out.
 

The doc pushed up her glasses, wrinkles pinching, pen clicking, and rolled on her chair to her legal pad, the special kind only medical professionals used. My mother sat across from me, her fingers running up and down her pant leg. My palms were sweaty, too, but I wasn’t as nervous as her.

“She has asthma.”

No. I don’t—maybe—I don’t know.

At sixteen, you don’t just suddenly develop asthma superpowers, yes please, if life were a comic book, but not some bronchial vascular disease. These are words I don’t understand, words the doctor keeps using to prescribe and describe, as she tries to file me under a label. My parents trusted her. She’d been our family doc since before my conception, but quite honestly, I don’t even think she knows what’s wrong with me. This is my third visit in the last six months. My third time in this chair while I sit, wait, and stare at the same old measles and mumps poster on the wall. All I do know, is that this cough won’t go away. If I had asthma—okay, fine—just give me a pill and let’s go.

            Claritin.

            Zyrtec.

            Allegra.

            Nasacort.

And now Seretide, the new purple Hubba Bubba inhaler, just another fancy thing to add to my morning, afternoon, and nighttime regimen. I’m not even sick. I am sick, just not sick. If only this were a twenty-four hour cold, some kind of flu, or a summer fever, but no, it’s me and winter. Winter is supposed to mean that all outside allergens are to be dead.

            A cough.

            A sneeze.

            A runny nose.

My lips are chapped, and the skin near and around the edges of my nostrils is red, raw, and dry. At least a dozen tissues are stuffed in my coat pockets, and when I put my hands inside, they sometimes stick to my gloved fingers as I try to pull one out. It drips, the snot, like a leaky sink, like a speck of rainfall, but it doesn’t stop. Instead I wipe away at my nose with the skirt end if my sleeve, thinking none of it.

Chicago winters were always the same. The beating and whipping lakefront burning my eyes, the whispers of wind pitter-pattering across dead leaves that only seemed to promise more snow, vexed my displeasure to the layering cold. The summers, no different, and yet, the thickening heat didn’t make living here any less suffocating.

            Allegra-D.

            Singular.

            Flonase.

One pill in the morning, one at night, and spray at least twice daily, every day. I want to move to Canada. Free healthcare is not a joke, not when a basic human function like breathing is expensive. I quickly learned that healthcare is a luxury and medicine is a commodity. Twice a month I show my ID to the lab coat behind the counter and spend sixteen dollars on a ten count purple box of pills, on top of another thirteen-dollar green nasal spray, and neither prescription was covered by insurance. The drive to a local Walgreens or CVS becomes another ritual on my list of things to do and for what?

I still couldn’t taste the chicken noodle soup. It’s water, I said. The bananas, no flavor. Hot chocolate, no chocolate. Pizza, just bread with sauce. Bread, like cardboard. Rice, it’s filling. Meat, it’s chewy. Too sweet, too salty, too spicy. I need extra seasoning. My taste buds were numb to any subtleties. What was wrong with me? The winter. The summer. The hot. The cold.

In grade school I used to get bronchitis, in middle school, the same. Summer fevers stayed with me, wheezy coughs would find me. I’d wake up every morning to a dry mouth and cracked lips. In high school, I’d skip first block once a week the entire four years. I was not allergic to exercise. The truth? I couldn’t run more than twenty feet without collapsing as if I’d run a 5k race. I even hated stairs, each step like climbing a high mountain, the altitude thinning. There’s a reason I still take the elevator from level one to two. My eyes opened each day fogged from a lack of sleep, the hollows around the sockets burning, everything hurting, my forehead screaming. I wished for magic superpowers to make it go it away. I stood up dizzy, falling prey to vertigo before crawling right back into bed, on any flat surface, shoving my face into my hands or a pillow, breathing shallow and heavy. It’s a headache, a migraine, just whatever—again—some days better than others.

Mouth breather. That’s what my mother called me. She’d find me sleeping, lips wide open as if I were gasping, overcompensating for the lack of air.

I was just sick.

It was just allergies. It was the weather. I was written off as having a bad immune system by my parents, as a teen that hadn’t changed, after infection this, infection that. I went to the doctors every couple of months to get new pills, refills, or stronger medication. I just wanted to breathe. I was a fish out of water, stuck between holding my breath and swimming for air.

My parents took me as far as to see a natural herbalist on the corner of Chinatown. Lisa Herbal Corporation, a small store in a strip mall that only had enough parking for a line of ten cars. Inside, the walls were stacked high and low, ceiling to floor with teas, cures for everything from indigestion and low blood pressure to cholesterol. Rows upon rows, any ailment you could think of¾boxes in an assortment of reds, oranges, and greens, a rainbow of colors labeled in Mandarin and English, and loose leaves made of flowers I had never heard of. Up front, a towering wall lined with drawers stood high behind a man at the register. He divided packets of what looked like different roots, colored barks, and mushrooms into individual wrappings of white paper. All I could think was that this was some old school Chinese medicine shit. It was something I’d only ever seen on travel channels to Shanghai or Beijing or in documentaries.

I sat in a squeaky metal-cushioned chair. The 4.8 on Google reviews was the reason I was here, but not actually. The yellow-green printed card my mother had been carrying around in her purse for the last two months, because of my aunt, was the real reason. I fidgeted, waiting for my number to be called. If modern medicine couldn’t fix me, then this surely would. Their optimism, not mine. Someone without a professional medical degree was going to diagnose me, and “fix” me? I was swimming in doubt, wanting to believe in my mom and aunt.

My turn, I walked into an office and sat in another squeaky chair as the herbalist directed my arm onto the table. I don’t know who I imagined behind those doors, but it wasn’t her. She was skinny, almost frail, but had a pep in her step, quick and confident. Gray hairs shaded her black bob and framed her small glasses, which did nothing to hide her deep-seeded wrinkles. Doctor Lisa, if I could call her that, took my pulse.

One minute passes.

She looks into my eyes and comments on the color of my tongue, she then proceeds to ask what I think is wrong with me.

          I keep coughing.

          It doesn’t go away.

          I don’t have asthma.

The last part I don’t say.

She pulls out a white sheet paper from inside her desk and starts to delicately explain the difference between hot and cold foods, about what I should and not eat, a spiel about food¾ families that determine one’s future health state. I go home with a month supply of tea and a set of directions. White handmade packages full of loose herbs, twigs, and roots, to drink every day for two weeks. Honestly, it could’ve been anything. Take a shovel, go into the woods, and pick up sticks and leaves, and I wouldn’t have noticed the difference.

Granted, knowing that she was a fourth-generation Chinese herbal specialist with over twenty years of experience should’ve provided me with some semblance of comfort, but it didn’t, not for a hundred and nineteen dollars. I speculated whether this had been money well spent or a rip-off. And so, I drank the earth for a month, so bitter, and drinking the blackest coffee with no sugar couldn’t compare.

          My cough? Gone.

          Breathing? Still can’t.

          Smell? No.

That craving of fresh-popped buttery movie popcorn, the first thing that hits you when you step into a theater wasn’t there anymore. The waft of roasted garlic and melted cheese on pizza, I smell nothing. Barbequed meat roasting over charcoal and under fireworks, I don’t remember. Fresh fruits, flowers, citrus, dew after a rainstorm, fried chicken, cookies in the oven, it was just gone. The taste of water? Nope, wasn’t there. I didn’t enjoy eating, but I have to live. My stomach howling, until I reminded myself, growling only after I took a bite of anything. I couldn’t even taste the sterile antiseptic of the doctor’s office in my mouth anymore. Imagine having a cold, a twenty-four-hour cold every day, all day, three hundred sixty-five days a year, and you cannot, no matter how hard you try, blow it. It’s stuck, stuffed, like a mouthful of cotton balls, like ears plugged after long descending flight. Put a pillow to your face and breathe; this is how I live. “Does this smell okay?” became a habitual greeting for everything.

          Methylprednisolone.

          Singular.

          Allegra-D.

          Afrin.

Remember, two pills in the morning, two at twelve, one at six, and two more before sleep. Medrol was the answer to all my needs, a magical tiny white oral steroid that let me breathe. This drug meant severe side-effects like cataracts, glaucoma, or high blood pressure, but I didn’t care. I smothered myself in anything that smelled good or bad for those two weeks. I could finally breathe. I ignored family and friends and was popping them in every three months, greedy for air.

          Spring, 2013, age nineteen, I have my first sinus surgery.

          Winter, 2018, age twenty-three, I have my second sinus surgery.

          Was it expensive? That’s an understatement.

          Universal healthcare, where you at?

ENT: ears, nose, and throat doctor are three letters I became very familiar with. Three months after I turned eighteen, I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis with nasal polyps. A fancy way of saying that my nose is very sensitive, that I shouldn’t live in Chicago because the air sucks, and that I may or may not always need surgery. Why? Because my nose could and will potentially swell up inside, the tissue will form into small grape-sized balloons, and will shut close. There is no cure. I have to manage it like diabetes.

          Singular.

          Levocetirizine.

          Budesonide.

          Nose spray.

Categories
Issues

Allison Darhun


Unsteady

 

We’d gone to Cape May every year for as long as I could remember. Even Mom had gone there since she was a kid. Her dad, my pap, had loved Cape May. He’d lived there for a bit when he’d been in the Coast Guard. He loved it so much that he brought his family there every chance he got. He’d moved there when he retired, and while his small, one bedroom apartment couldn’t hold us when we visited, I loved seeing him every year. He passed away from lung cancer before my freshman year of high school, but we never stopped going down to the shore.

My hand gripped the tan steering wheel tightly as I drove down the highway toward Philly, music blasting, windows down. I loved to drive, loved the feeling of the sun beating through the front window, how the wind caught my hair at just the right angle to whip my face. I loved the feeling of freedom it gave me.

The acoustic song I’d been listening to faded with a few strums of guitar, and another song began. The piano keys started out soft, beautiful. Every note rang out, and I could imagine the hands of the pianist drifting over the keys gracefully, every key pressed purposefully, but carefully, with reverence. There was a sort of joy in the way the pianist played. The melody drifted over my ears as his deep husky voice entered with the first verse. He was singing about love and pain, how they always seemed to be intertwined like the vines in his girlfriend’s backyard. A soft, female voice entered the fray, blending heartache with love and loss.

It was Chris’ favorite song and artist, “Lancaster” by Evergreen. We were supposed to see them perform in August. They were a brother and sister duo from just outside of Philly, probably not too far from where I was driving. The sister, Elenor, was on the keys, and her brother, Ethan, was singing and strumming his guitar softly. I wouldn’t be seeing them now that Chris was gone.

A month ago, I would’ve broken down in tears just hearing the opening chords.

I looked at the seat next to me, almost expecting Chris to be sitting there, but he wasn’t. Rather, there was a bag full of beach towels and coral bed sheets that Mom had insisted I bring, along with my rice cooker.

I could almost see him there, sitting in his favorite white-striped t-shirt and jeans, hole at the knee, long legs nearly banging against where the airbag lay, nestled in the dash. He’d have the window down and a tan arm hanging out, fingers playing the notes of the song against the black exterior of my Jeep. His brown eyes would be closed, and his head would be leaning back against the headrest. His blond curls would be peeking out from beneath the dark blue hat I’d bought him for his birthday the first summer we were together. He’d worn it ever since, and continued wearing it even after his dog, Jimmy, had chewed the end of it, and his baby nephew had stolen and subsequently puked on it, leaving a stain. He loved that hat for the memories it contained. He was buried with that hat tucked beneath his hand.

Chris slightly freckled cheeks would be flushed from the sun, the scar through his eyebrow red and angry, like always, and his pink lips would be slightly upturned in a small, barely visible smile he saved for moments when he didn’t know he was smiling. As the song would crescendo and quicken, he’d turn to me, and I’d look at him before turning my eyes back to the road. He’d sing me the words to the song he loved so much in a voice that should never sing at all, but he wouldn’t care. He’d belt it out as loudly and proudly as he could. He’d sing it to me passionately, hand clenched and pounding over his chest. I would try to keep my eyes on the highway, try to keep my gaze forward, but it was always drawn to him. I’d laugh under my breath and ask him, “Why the heck am I dating you again?”

And he’d respond with, “Because you love me.”

I’d roll my eyes, not telling him that it was true, and he’d go on singing until the end of the song. When it ended, his arm would somehow find its way back out the window and I’d think how it wasn’t surprising that his right arm had a weird tan line because of how much time it spent hanging out of the window. His eyes would drift shut again and we’d drive on, listening to whatever song came next.

I felt the tears prick at my eyes and tried to blink them back, but they began to fall anyway. I pulled my hand from the steering wheel and wiped the tears from my cheeks and eyes. I’d stopped wearing makeup after everything that happened. I learned that even waterproof makeup wasn’t smear-proof, or really cry proof.

I grabbed my phone from the cupholder I’d perched it in, and untangled the auxiliary chord from the gearshift, and opened my music app. I’d been listening to my Favorites playlist, forgetting, of course, that I’d added some of his favorites to it, too. I hadn’t listened to music in a while, hadn’t done much of anything in a while. I quickly tapped Songs to Sing in the Shower and tossed my phone and the attached chord on top of the towels, trying to force my mind to focus on the road.

I managed to make my way through the traffic-ridden sections of Philly and down the Jersey Turnpike, but not without channeling Dad, while yelling profanities out my window when some Jersey driver tried to cut me off after I had attempted to go around him. When I’d switched onto the Garden State Parkway, the final leg of my journey before I actually hit Cape May, I’d managed to focus on other things. Namely, questioning how the hell I was going to survive the summer away from everyone and working as a waitress at Jim’s Pizza. It was my favorite pizza place in Cape May, but still.

Jim had been a blessing. Besides hiring me at his pizza place, though I’m sure they were at staff capacity, he’d called around to all his friends trying to help me find a place to live. He’d told me that had I asked a month prior, he would’ve rented out his basement to me rather than his sister’s annoying son. I laughed at that. Jim had ended up finding me a place in the Villas, one of the smaller towns neighboring Cape May on the bay side of the peninsula. It’d be a fifteen-minute drive to the Washington Street Mall where his shop was located, but I didn’t mind all that much. It was a fully furnished apartment, kitchen unit and all, converted from a garage, owned by Jim’s wife’s friend Judy.

“She’s a real nice lady,” he’d said to me on the phone when he’d called to tell me the news a few days after he’d given me the job. “She’s just a little . . . odd.” He lingered on the word like it was something he wasn’t quite sure of.

I raised an eyebrow, though he couldn’t see me. “What do you mean by odd?”

“You’ll see what I mean when you get there. She’s real nice. Just don’t mind her miniature doll collection if you ever end up in the main house.”

I blinked. “Miniature doll collection?”

Jim brushed it aside. “Don’t worry, kiddo. I wouldn’t steer ya’ wrong.”

When I pulled up in front of the house, I immediately understood what Jim had meant. The one story house, just three blocks from the bay, was well kept with a white picket fence and a garden of pink roses out front. The house, however, was bright pink. It wasn’t some subtle pink similar to what you’d paint a baby’s room. No. The house was pepto bismol pink, blinding with the reflection of the mid-afternoon sun. It felt like a Barbie Dream House on steroids.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to get out of my car.

I saw the front front curtain move slightly before the front door swung open to reveal a woman in her mid-seventies, clad in a lavender bathrobe, her hair pulled up in a twisted towel.

Quickly, I grabbed my phone from the passenger seat and slipped out of my jeep, hurrying up to the cobblestoned walkway that led to her house.

“Judy Lewis?” I asked as I approached. Up close, I could see the gray hairs peeking out from beneath the white towel. I could see her blue eyes and wrinkles etched into her skin.

“You’re Indy Jacobs, I presume?” Her voice was like a chain-smoker’s, raspy and deep, but I couldn’t smell the tell-tale scent of cigarettes.

“Yep, that’s me,” I said with an awkward laugh and even more awkward wave.

 She ignored it. “I thought you weren’t coming for another hour.”

 We’d talked on the phone twice, once to discuss payment and once to discuss my arrival. Both times, the conversation had been less than five minutes. I’d made sure to mention that I would arrive between three and four in the afternoon. It was three fifteen.

“Traffic was . . . uh . . . light?”

She took a step back into the house. “Well, that can’t be helped. Come,” she gestured toward me. “I’m assuming you’d like to know where you’re living for the summer.”

I nodded, following her inside.

She led me in through a carpeted hallway. It was muted and white with absolutely no decorations, nothing to give me a glimpse into who Judy Lewis actually was, save for the slight smell of sandalwood that radiated throughout the house. I peeked into the rooms off the main hallway as we slipped by, each looking more normal than I’d expected, given the outside of the house. Simple furniture, simple colors, nothing quite as bright as the outside. And certainly no miniature doll collection. She led me to the kitchen that was nestled in the back of the house. It was muted and white with a tile floor and just a tiny kitchen table by the window. It was small, compact, and the only pop of color was a rose in a white vase placed on a table.

Judy picked up a set of three colorful keys with a fuzzy, pink rabbit’s foot off the white counter and dropped it into my hands. She placed her hands on her hips and looked at me intently. “The rainbow key is for the back door of your apartment. That’s the door you’ll probably use most often. The red one is for this door here.” She gestured to the white door, tucked away next to the refrigerator on the back wall of the house. “I don’t expect you to be using that one too much, except to do laundry. The laundry is also down in the basement so when you have to do it, you’ll use that. Just go down the steps and it’s to the left. And the pink one is for my front door. That is only to be used in case of an emergency.” She stared deep into my soul when she said emergency. I nodded.

She listed a number of rules I had to abide by while living there. Mainly it included never venturing anywhere but to the laundry room and kitchen. I assumed the dolls were hidden elsewhere. She led me through the white door into what would be my living space for the next three months or so.

The space was small and looked more like a studio than anything. The garage doors had been taken out and replaced with a wall and a fairly large window that overlooked a line of tall trees. Like the rest of Judy’s house, everything was painted a soft white. It was sparse, but it would work with just a bed, dresser, and couch. There were a few cabinets, a range, and a mini fridge making up the so-called kitchen.

“Well,” Judy said, barely looking at me. “This is it.”

“Uh,” I started, not really sure of what to say, only that I knew I really wanted to be alone and didn’t know how to tell her to leave. “Yeah, thank you . . . it’ll . . . work well?”

I felt awkward and nervous and wished someone other than Judy was there with me to make this whole thing feel better, to sit me down and tell me that this wasn’t a mistake. I wished Chris was there with me.

“There’s a Wawa and a CVS down the street if you need anything quick, but if you drive further down you’ll hit a grocery store,” Judy said, turning to me. “If you have any questions about the Villas or anything, just ask.”

“Got it, thanks,” I said quietly, staring out over everything, and wishing I could blink and wake up and be back in my bedroom at home.

“I’ll let you get settled, then,” she said, turning around and sashaying through the door, closing it behind her. I heard the click of the door behind me.

And then I was alone.

I hadn’t really been alone in the past month since hearing of Chris’ death. I found out from a phone call with his sister¾I was with my college roommate. When I’d taken the rest of the semester off, because I couldn’t function in my classes and had gone home, Mom had picked me up and didn’t leave my side. I was always so surrounded that I began to feel suffocated. Even when I’d been alone in my bedroom, I knew there was someone else in the house, paying attention to me and what I did. There was always someone worried for me.

But now that I was alone, I realized what that really meant.

I sent Mom a quick text letting her know that I had arrived and that everything was okay and that my landlord was interesting. She’d responded with a smiley face emoji and said to call her if I needed her. I told myself that I didn’t need her. I was strong enough to do this.

Even though it was only midafternoon, I slipped the coral sheets that I had brought onto my small bed by the window, cursing under my breath for forgetting a comforter, and then changed into the old t-shirt Chris had given me and a pair of black gym shorts. I tucked myself into the soft sheets with my phone in hand. All I wanted to do was text Chris, like I would have if he were alive.

I wanted to tell him that the apartment was a mistake, and that going to Cape May for the summer was a mistake, and that I should’ve just stayed home with my family. That I would’ve been happier there. But Chris wasn’t there, and I couldn’t just text him like I was so used to doing. Since he had died, I would often find myself picking up the phone to text him, or call him, when I saw things he’d like or things I wanted to tell him.

But I couldn’t.

Not anymore.

Categories
Issues

Shaniece Rattler


Little Thing

 

We had been waiting for the season to change. The Indian summer sealed us into her hot mouth, lockjaw around our sweating bodies, swallowing petals from the flowers in my hair. 

“Jeannie, come on.”

You were on top of me, trying to open the doors of my body. 

But they were sealed, tightened by the power of the powder. The coke had shut everything to a dry, miserably tense halt down there, and you might as well had been stabbing at cement. The X gave you incentive to keep going, and eventually you broke through, and then kept pushing. I could feel the outline of your nose sliding up and down the side of my face, helping to keep time, while a pile of burnt, drying orange leaves and red droplets created a Fall season beneath my hips. 

 

There was a blob of goop that looked like and a swamp of Jell-O in the corner of the kitchen. You told me not to touch it and I didn’t. So, every time I got water, or food, or a spoon to heat up our stash, I had to pass that goop, making slushy noises in the corner, following me and my sanity.

The cabin was home to us, even though it wasn’t ours. We had been on our way to Woodstock, but made too many stops and missed it trying to get more hash. Then, halfway there we had to turn back because you forgot the junk, and neither of us would have made it three nights without it. We watched the place, stretched out in the van you boosted, snuggled into the heat of each other’s body, hiding from the rain, our breath fogging the windows.

You went up to the door¾it was easy¾it opened like it had been waiting for us.

“Whoa, bitchin’. . .”

You took my hand, we slid our shoes off and didn’t put them on again.

 

We spent weeks chasing the dragon, and your face was etched into the back of my eyelids. We spun in circles, touching feet, the loose ends of your bell bottoms rough against the naked hairiness of my legs.

You’d bring some choice hombres and chicks, and they’d snort up, too scared to shoot, and we’d spin in big circles then, round and round.

 

You told me to pick up Laney, and I did. I met her at the highway and we walked back through the woods. She was only fifteen, and we got high in the basement before you and the guys came down. I remember she whispered, “they’re too old,” and I told her that was good ’cause they’d pay more for less. We started dancing in front of the empty fish tank and I could hear the gurgling clap of lips, then the sloshy thud of what sounded like hands and feet. I knew the goop was at the top of the stairs watching, and jammin’ out to Hendrix. 

We made a home of the cabin, but you were only a guest, uninvited.

The day you left to get milk and needles that winter, I thought I would die. It was too cold to do anything, and my body was tightening and pushing my insides out. I threw up twice and shook violently, thrashing myself to-and-fro in front of the fireplace. I thought, I can’t die alone. With all the strength left inside me, I sent the message into the air to find you, and the goop made popping noises all the way from the kitchen to the living area, and perched itself into the makeshift couch we constructed out of tired blankets and loose firewood from the hills. My eyes tripled as the goop opened a gaping hole within itself, like a huge belly button splitting and expanding. It welcomed me, an unlikely umbilical cord to my existence. My body froze, half thrusted above the ground. The glob moved fast, slipped over my face, leaving thick slimy residue spread atop my skin like lotion, sinking in. There was a sensual stir of goodness rushing to my fingertips and toes, and the liquid thing sucked itself together and slid up my pant leg inside of me, radiating pure brightness through my belly, warming me and feeding my sickness. Pleasure knew no words . . . far out. . . . 

 

My moods hastened from pleasure to an irate tapping of my left foot and a number of unwarranted deep exhales under my breath. Just your smell nauseated me. I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait any longer, and while you showered I pushed the junk up the veins between my toes. I remember how pissed you looked, even with your hair still wet and clinging to your forehead.  You felt cheated and isolated. I knew, because the goop was laughing in the kitchen. 

  

The first time I visited you at home, I thought I might fall in love with your dad. I liked the way he shamelessly fed stray cats and grew his beard long and wore those large, thick blue jumpsuits for yard work. The crush was laughable, but when I told you, your bottom lip fell and your face turned white. 

We never really recovered from that. 

 

Later that year, I came over again and your father was on the porch in his chair. He was clutching an old photograph of your mom. She was swollen with child and glowing bright as an alien. He sat there before the little girl across the street selling lemonade, the neighbor lady in her Sunday dress on her way to church, and the men with shiny watches waving while on their way off to work sobbing. The boldness of his tears was refreshing and I wondered, would you cry like that if I left? 

 

The goop made me want for nothing. I’d lie on the floor and wait for it to come. You complained when I didn’t sleep in bed next to you, and I’d insist it was just a headache. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t need you.

We met at Bible study, between Leviticus and a crowd of kids shooting spitballs, and I wanted you in a way that would’ve made altar boys quiver.

When you asked my father for his blessing, he laughed and yanked another beer bottle from the refrigerator. “Sure thing, son; I give it a year, and you’ll be handing this one right on back to pops.”

We got married at the city hall and I didn’t mind the lack of extravagance. All we needed at the time was each other and angel dust.

 

The goo chose me, not you. I think that’s what you really couldn’t handle. Not that I couldn’t touch you, or the junk, but that the glob of jiggly mush was out of your control. We never fought about it, but I could tell when I stood over you and your body stiffened at night, or when you passed the living quarters in the morning to piss and saw me spread-eagle on the floor convulsing.

The eyes had it. I tried to find them, but the goop said no. It danced over my skin and hissed at my belly, fighting the part of you growing inside of me.

 

I told you I was leaving and you said not to harsh your mellow. Then you saw I was serious and cried. You pulled me close, and I could tell the junkie part of you still wanted to try it, the jiggles. So I scooped the goop into a pail and removed your corduroy jacket from your shoulders. I lay your head down gently before the fireplace and soaked you in a baptism of the goo. You blinked and waited. I tried rubbing it in. Nothing. I spread it, violently pushing it into your skin.

We needed it to work. The goo owed me that much.

But nothing. And then nothing. And we tried again. And nothing.

 

You were agitated and told me I’d better get back inside or you’d shoot, the shot gun stiff between your arms. I held my sack closer to my body like a shield and pushed forward, picking up the pace with each step, praying that last blast I heard hadn’t hit me. By the time I’d gotten to the road, I was shaking, my thumb jutting upward in unease. And I stood waiting, for another nice guy to find me.

Categories
Issues

Brooklyn Kiosow


Peanuts and Palm Trees

 

Tayler and her mother, Sherry, greet me at the baggage claim. Tayler’s long blonde and brown hair is piled on top of her head, and she is still as pale as when she moved from Kansas to Hawaii. Sherry’s hair is redder than I remember, lightened by her days spent in the sun. They are all smiles and teeth. I am smiles and lips. I watch the suitcases flow past the three of us until mine arrives, an American flag ribbon tied to its handle. They ask me how my flight was while Sherry grabs my suitcase from me. I tell them that it was okay, but that it felt longer than last year. As we walk through the airport to their car, I realize how much brighter this airport is than the one in Kansas, how many more windows there are. I watch people place leis on their friends and family, welcoming them to beautiful Maui.

Tayler and I are the type of friends that can go months without seeing each other and pick up right where we left off. This is rare and cliché at the same time. She moved to Hawaii two years ago because her mom got a job offer. We pick up where we left off in the car ride to their house, watch palm trees quickly pass from the rolled down window, and the white tides hit the sandy shore. She has a new boyfriend; he’s Asian she tells me. I don’t have a boyfriend like I did last winter, the last time I visited her. He was a dick anyway, Tayler says. I smile and agree. He left me for college. He left me for college girls.

I want to tell Tayler that I’m in a new relationship and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell her I was bringing Her along. She’s a friend, a companion, a partner(?), a person. We don’t have a sexual relationship, but I would call it romantic. I think She has romantic beliefs, this idea of perfection, that I can reach perfection. I can reach perfection with Her help. She tells me when I’ve had enough, when I’ve had too little. She lets me know what people think of me even if they don’t say it; she’s basically a mindreader. She looks a lot like me, only skinnier, but we don’t think the same. At least we didn’t used to. She has started to make me think things I never have before, to consider things about myself that could be easily improved if I would just try harder, listen to Her more. She has started to scream. A scream too loud to ignore, stomach-churning and always present. Her voice is acidic. I couldn’t have come to Hawaii without Her even if I tried. She can’t be left behind.

I know what’s best for you, Brooklyn. 

That muffin isn’t what’s best for you! That carrot is, but only two. You know that. 

I always said that I knew.

I don’t tell Tayler about Her because I can’t make it make sense in my head. We ride in Sherry’s jeep and let our hair knot itself on our heads. I look at the rocks lining the highway, creating a mountain. They are tied so that they don’t fall on cars and people. They are held hostage. I put my hands up and take Tayler’s picture from above. The air is warm even in motion.

 

The plane ride to Hawaii was painful. While I’ve been on longer plane rides than eight hours now, at the age of fifteen and sixteen, it felt like death. My father dropped me off at the Kansas City International Airport and hugged me goodbye. I yelled at him to drive safe on the icy backroads as I sprinted inside the airport to escape the falling snow and painful wind. It was my second time flying to Hawaii, but the first was easier than now. There were two people flying this time, and they had to share a seat and a brain. I could only watch Mary-Kate and Ashley films for so long before She told me I needed to eat; my metabolism was going to slow down.

Planes do not offer you easily digestible food. They give you a package of seven peanuts from 1999 or stale pretzels, probably also over ten years old. I put one peanut toward my salivating mouth, testing Her waters. I eat one; She says nothing. I smile to myself. I win this round. They taste old but salty. They are the stale type of chewy, easier to chew than nuts should be. I eat another, and another, and another until there is only one left.

Disgussssting Fuckinnnng Piiiiiiggggg

I drop the bag to the floor. The last peanut rolls out, goes under the seat in front of me, and toward the front of the plane. I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair and pull. Please, stop. I whisper. Please, stop. I whisper. Please, just stop. I whisper. The guy next to me must think I’m insane. I spend the rest of the plane ride staring at my portable television screen, but not seeing a thing.

           

When we get to their house from the airport, Tayler suggests that we go to the beach. I walk through the kitchen near her bedroom and look at the Spam lining the walls, and the pink and yellow leis hanging on the corners of picture frames. Her bedroom is clean and small. I toss my suitcase onto her bed and shuffle through it, looking for a specific swimsuit. It’s black, small, and has a gold flower tying the strapless top together. I think it makes me look the skinniest. It is the skimpiest. I push a blue headband onto my head and pull back my long dyed blonde hair. I cover up with a strapless striped dress. Sherry comes with us to tan and take our pictures.

We pose in front of the beach sunset, arms around one another. The sand is hot on my feet and I keep bouncing from one foot to the other to lessen the burn. The water is bluer than blue; it is the clear type of blue. People shuffle around me and Tayler, also posing with arms spread wide in front of the water and sun. I see a lady jumping in the air, trying to get a shot of her flying. I am always turned to the side, sucking my stomach in. We try to make a heart with our arms, encompassing the sunset within them. It turns out looking more like a blobbed circle, and the next picture is of us falling over, laughing at how dumb we must look.

Sherry brings the camera over to us to show us the pictures and my stomach aches. I think about what She will say to me. Tayler leans against me as I flip through image after image. Tayler and Sherry say, “That’s cute,” and I nod. Pictures of us bent over laughing, hugging, me on her back. The ocean is vast and endless behind us; the sun’s reflection shines on its center. Sand covers my toes and butt, and there are a few photos of me trying to wipe it off. I cannot find a picture that I truly like. My eyes begin to well with tears. I want to be under the ocean. I want the salt of my eyes to be useful and invisible.

I sit in the warm sand next to Tayler. It burns my butt and thighs in a good way. I pick the sand up and let it fall through my fingers. The next time I pick a fistful up, I grind it in my hand. I rub my thumb over the inside of my four other fingers and let the sand dig into my skin. I do it until there is no sand left in my hands. And then I do it again.

You looked disgusting in those pictures. 

I know. 

Salad is the only option for the next few days. You have to have at least one good picture of you. You can’t look that fat. 

I know. 

Do you?

I want to scream I know. She will not leave me alone. I want to tell her that She isn’t the one living with this body; I am. It is different than living in this body, a body I did not invite Her into. Living with this body is a constant reminder that I may never be alone again, that there will always be a voice telling me that I can be more. There is always a more. There is never an enough, a quiet moment of peace. My body is a temple, but She said it’s too big; I have to be small enough for her to always find me. Living in this body means that She can bark orders, but I am the one that must follow through.

Right before we leave the beach, I look at my Timehop—a phone application that allows you to see what you posted on different social media platforms a year or more ago on the same date—I see a photo of me in Hawaii a year before. I am wearing a blue tube-top and denim shorts. My smile is wide and white. My hair is long and full. My stomach is not sucked in and gaping. My hips are not blades. My arms are not branches. The ocean behind me is still a clear blue.  

I am not disgusted by what I see. I am not shocked. I am about thirty-five to forty pounds heavier in this photo, but I am more surprised by how my smile shines. I do not yet understand the feeling of my body taking up too much room. I do not want to disappear. I am there. I am unapologetic.

 

I recall the first time She spoke to me. It may not be the actual first time, but in my memory, it is. It was during lunch my freshman year of high school—about six months after my first trip to Hawaii, and six months before my second trip—Emily had asked me to come get a cookie with her. I had done this every other lunch period since the beginning of school, nearly five months before.

Don’t do it. 

I told her that I didn’t want one today. She was confused, asked me what made today different. She reminded me that we always shared a pack of cookies.

I remained planted in my seat. I could not budge. I ran through the reasons in my head: I wasn’t that hungry today, I’m on a diet, I think I’m allergic to chocolate. Emily glared at me. She waited.

Good job. You don’t need that cookie. Just tell her to get the pack herself and save the other one for later. 

I told Emily and she scoffed at me and walked away. I shut my eyes tight after that to think. What did I just do? I did want a cookie, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t because of Her.

This was our first memorable meeting, the beginning of a relationship that I didn’t know how to end. It was more than just physically and mentally abusive. It was inescapable. It was not inevitable, but She snuck up on me. She smelled the beginnings of my fear of food, of fat. She serenaded me with words of my potential, You could be so beautiful, if only you were skinnier. You can be skinnier. She courted me with invitations to the gym—invitations that eventually felt more like orders than requests. She won me over because She is me. And because She is me, She is here for as long as I am.

Emily did not ask me to get cookies with her again. I think she knew, or saw. Emily, like many others, stood by and watched my body dwindle: my skin, with the slightest bump, bruised like an apple, my hair thinned and fell out, and my teeth chattered in a warm room.

The beginnings of my disorder are confusing and blurry; minds do not work without fat, most memories do not stick. People don’t know what to do with a body that takes up so little space, a body that hides behind layers of clothing. My friends didn’t know how to be gentle with their touch. They saw it as a refusal to eat, but it is an inability. If only they knew Her, understood us. Maybe then they would have said something, come with us to the gym.

           

After I finish looking at the old photo on my phone, we leave the beach and go to Subway. Tayler orders a sandwich with pepperoni. I notice because I love pepperoni. When I was a kid, young enough to still have my parents buy my every meal, I always ordered a pepperoni and mayonnaise sandwich from Subway. Nothing else. No vegetables, cheese, other meats or sauces. This time I order a salad with every vegetable on top, no meat or cheese, and fat-free dressing.

Tayler tells me she didn’t even know they sold salads here. I shrug, tell her, yes, they do. Sadly. I thought that if they didn’t, I would be able to trick Her, tell Her that I had to order a sandwich. It was all they had! And I needed to eat! But there was a salad on the menu, and She saw it first.

You know you have to get that, right?

I know.

No ranch or anything, though. 

I know.

We eat on a picnic table by the beach. The sun shines behind Tayler’s head, making her look more like shadow than person. I devour my salad because I am hungry, and then watch Tayler eat her sandwich. I cannot look away; the pepperoni shines like gold. The lettuce in her sandwich probably tastes better, although it is the same lettuce that’s in my salad. When she finishes, she asks if I’m still hungry. No, I tell her. She tells me that she noticed that I watched her eat, like I needed something more.

It seemed tradition now to get Subway on my first day in Hawaii. The first time I visited Tayler here, a year ago, I laughed when she suggested we get Subway for lunch. I wanted something Hawaiian, special. I imagined virgin piña coladas and kabobs with grilled pineapple, dancing ladies in hula skirts and coconut bras, and of course everyone greeting me with “Aloha!”

Tayler told me there was nothing like that near the part of the beach we were at, but there was Subway. I remember saying something like, “Okay, fine. But we better eat some kabobs for dinner,” and we did. Kabobs with grilled bell peppers, chicken, and steak. I ate them for dinner that night on a restaurant balcony next to Tayler, watching tanned women dance on the ground floor below.

On my first Hawaiian Subway trip a year ago, Tayler and I walked into Subway both knowing our order. We each got a footlong Italian sub on white bread and then decided we definitely also needed ice cream. It was hot in Hawaii, but not the bad type of hot. It was the type of heat that warmed your back, but not enough to make you sweat.

My ice cream was a swirl of chocolate and vanilla. I ate it quickly before it melted onto my hands and made them stick. Tayler had some too, but I’m not sure which flavor. I think it might have been pineapple. I remember something about her skin matching its glow.

 

During my second trip to Hawaii, I wake up around seven in the morning the entire week-and-a-half I stay with Tayler and her mother. I throw on some running shorts and a t-shirt, head to their backyard, and run in circles for an hour. I try to run around their neighborhood the first morning, but I get nervous. I think about getting abducted or lost.

On my first morning, I only make it down their street before I crush a tiny lizard at my feet. I jump when I hear its squish and rub my shoes on the concrete, ridding of its guts. When I begin to jog again, a middle-aged man runs past me and smiles. I give him a nod and turn around, start heading back towards Tayler’s house. There are so many people running around me that I begin to panic, wonder if they are watching me. Judging me. It doesn’t help that the sidewalk I’m on is next to a busy street. The cars whip past me and make my hair fly. I run faster, trying to catch it.

Where are you going? 

I can’t run out here. 

You better run at Tayler’s then.

I know.

Their backyard is pretty, at least. There are green trees lining the fence and fruit has sprung from its branches. It doesn’t look ripe, but it will be juicy and fresh. I think they’re are lemons or maybe apples. I run around the trees, touching their trunks as I sprint past each one.

On the third or fourth day of my running, Sherry comes out and asks what I’m doing. I tell her that I am just getting some exercise, and she asks why I do it in their backyard at seven in the morning. I shrug, go back to running. She doesn’t ask again, Tayler and I don’t spend much time with Sherry on this trip. I have to get three miles in. I’m used to being dizzy, so the circling doesn’t bother me.  

Three miles in a circle.

Three miles at seven in the morning.

Three miles before Tayler wakes up and asks me what I’m doing.

Three miles because She woke me with her bickering.

Get up and fucking run. Vacation doesn’t mean you get out of it. Pig. 

 

A year before, Tayler and Sherry didn’t live in this house. They moved from one part of Maui to another. Not too far away, but far away enough for it to be new. I remember how crisp Hawaii looked when I arrived. The palm trees, a type of tree I had never seen, stood tall and dangling. Their leaves mostly green, but some brown with decay. Tayler sent me a coconut in the mail when she first moved; she signed it with all of our inside jokes and nicknames. TurkeyTayler. Brookie. Tornado night. I let it rot in my closet, but it never started to smell bad.

The grass was greener, the sky clearer, the air more breathable than Kansas. I remember being excited to wear only shorts and dresses, to know that the weather remained at an almost steady eighty degrees. I wanted to take hundreds of pictures of us and post them to Facebook. I wanted to write my boyfriend’s name in the sand and sign it with a heart.

Tayler’s first house was smaller. It was brown and her bedroom was decorated with Hawaiin things, like colorful leis and ceramic pineapples. We spent most of our time outside, but if we were at her house, we used her webcam to talk to people back home, and with strangers on Omegle. We skipped past the perverted men and talked with guys our age for hours. We ate peanut butter and Nutella out of the jar and off a spoon. We spread their stickiness on crackers and made our mouths dry with food and laugher. We finished a large jar of peanut butter in five days.

We never woke up early and we always went to sleep late. We’d stay up taking mirror selfies, dying our hair with pink Kool-Aid, and planning our next couple of days. They all included tanning and food. They all included us taking pictures of each other and getting a henna tattoo of an anchor. They all included us laughing and talking about how blue the water is. That clear type of blue.

 

I met Tayler through Myspace, an old social media platform. She was new to our middle school and I had seen her around, but never spoke to her. Then she sent me a friend request. I accepted, honestly thinking it was a fake profile because her profile picture was so pretty, so clear, and not a selfie. Her skin was porcelain white, her hair straight, full, and long.

She sent me a message soon after I accepted her request: “The turkeys stole my macaroni!” I opened it, confused, but laughing. I replied with something like, “Oh, no! You need to get a new lock on your door. Turkeys don’t understand locks.” After we talked about the turkey situation for another fifteen messages or so—eventually concluding that turkeys were a bit evil—we introduced ourselves to one another. We were inseparable after that.

We spent every single day together, either walking to her house after school, or getting my dad to pick us up and take us to my house. The venture from school to her house was always the same. We would stop at the park, take photos of us looking emo and scene. Caption them on Picnik with things like: “Everyday you must smile.cry.and think. Even if it takes all you have,” and “Girls look me up & down & don’t know what 2 say. But it’s funny how the words come out, when I walk away.” In most of the pictures we are both in either red or blue skinny jeans, with fallen leaves or snow on the ground by our feet. Tayler and I were about the same size, so we shared a lot of our jeans and band t-shirts. I never deleted a picture because I looked fat. Every picture was a good one, only missing a cheesy quote.

I remember eating waffles with peanut butter for the first time in her kitchen after school, sitting at the bar top and pouring cold syrup over the warm waffles, cutting into the bread and watching the melted peanut butter fall onto the plate. It was magical. I had it every time I was at her house for almost a year after that. I don’t remember Tayler ever eating a waffle; I think her mother bought them just for me.

One day, at a middle school football game, Tayler and I ran into a few Spring Hill girls (a school only twenty or so minutes away from ours, and girls who were our arch enemies for unknown reasons). Three of them approached us and started boasting about how their school’s football team was going to beat ours. The yelling escalated and I, stupidly, started to insult their appearance. I called the girl closest to me a five-head. She glared at me with two different colored eyes, one a deep brown and the other forest green, and looked me up and down for a solid minute, studying me.

“Yeah, well, you’re fat,” she spat at me.

This didn’t start my eating disorder. Actually, I don’t remember it being particularly impactful. Tayler yelled at her, told her to shut up and leave, and oddly, she and the other two girls did. We sat in the school bleachers and laughed at them from afar. We laughed, but didn’t talk about what had happened. We never talked about bad things—unhappy things. I remember feeling a small sting right after she called me fat, but forgetting about it soon after. Tayler and I went and got salted pretzels with trans-fat filled cheese and watched our football team win the game. We stuck our tongues out at the three girls, sitting only a few bleachers away.

 

One year ago, and six years since my second trip to Hawaii, I tweeted that I was proud of myself for overcoming an eating disorder over seven years ago—that the worst of it was over. While I’m not completely free of its reign, I now wear a tiny crown with pride. A crown that says: I survived this, I’m alive and I have something to say about it. I cannot tell you how it started, but I can tell you how hard I fought it, how hard I sometimes still have to fight.

Tayler replied to this tweet with seven question marks. I replied back with eight. She was confused, and I didn’t entirely blame her. We had only seen each other three times in the two years that my weight fluctuated violently between one hundred forty-five pounds and ninety-eight pounds. We were close while texting but rarely in person. When she did see me at a fragile 98 pounds, her grin did not shrink, her questions did not come. She did not notice my dwindling body; she only cared that her friend had come to see her. She only saw me through Facebook pictures.

One picture is of me standing in my sister’s room, posted a few months before my second trip to Hawaii. I’m wearing a black Star Wars shirt, high-waisted purple shorts, and black Converse. My thighs are toothpicks and magnets that repel. My arms are twisted tree branches. My hair is paper. Tayler comments, “How did you get so tiny?!?!?!” I press like.

 

When I leave Hawaii for the second time, Tayler and I hug and wave goodbye. I watch the palm trees and clear, blue water disappear behind gray doors. I wear sweatpants because while it is 80 degrees here, it is below freezing back in Kansas. On the plane I turn on Mary-Kate and Ashley’s The Challenge, and watch them eat cat food and fruitcake. I refuse the peanuts that the flight attendant offers me, asking for only a water. I luckily have nobody sitting in the two seats next to me, so I sprawl out. I usually have a difficult time falling asleep on planes, but this time I fall into a dream state quickly.

It used to be common for me to have dreams about Her eating my brain. She is a dark shadow, no face but sharp teeth. She eats my brain slowly, devouring the hypothalamus of my forebrain first. She smiles at me after each bite, offers me a taste. I shake my head no, unable to speak, and She smiles wider. I never speak in these dreams. She smears blood down my cheeks. 

I don’t remember if I dreamt of Her on this plane ride, but I probably did. She was in my dreams almost every night. I like to think that I dreamt about the first time I visited Tayler in Hawaii, when I ate peanut butter straight from the jar. When I posed in my bikini without Her yelling at me to suck in your stomach. When I slept in without regret.

When I wake up there is still an hour or so left of the flight. I am hungry but ignore it. My stomach growling sounds like applause. She is quiet. She has nothing to say to me quite yet. When I get off the plane She will remind me that I need to go to the gym. She will sing a song about how salad is my best friend. She will do this again and again and again. Every morning, every afternoon, and every night. She will not let me rest. I know.

Categories
Issues

Darcy Dillon


Kited

 

I am a kite. Packaged in clear plastic, I wait and have been waiting for some time, folded into myself upon the dusty shelf of the uninteresting dollar store. Day in and day out, the patrons bustle and hustle by but pay me no heed, preferring to stock up on the cheap candles or sandpapery toilet paper from aisle two. No one wants a kite these days, much less one that isn’t spattered with glitter or cartoon characters. I am but a simple blue hue, washed out by the fluorescent lights of the store. For one meager dollar you get my bones of two sticks, my heartstring upon a spool, and my folded self, yearning to soar.

The store’s automatic doors whir open, sending a warm current rippling through. When a woman in sunglasses and cherry high heels walks in, clip-clopping her way over the scuffed linoleum floor, she doesn’t strike me as any different. Just another customer sidling on by to browse the cheap perfumes, which try to make the wearer smell less like booze and sweat, and more like a summer breeze. But she smells like a spring thunderstorm, of rolling clouds and high winds and sweet ozone: a daring kite’s dream.

She stops just before me, flicking through the packages of sparkly kites hung neatly on hooks above me, before her head tilts down. Round cheeks. Red lips. Loose cardigan. Tight jeans. At first, I think she’s inspecting the row of rainbow sidewalk chalk on the shelf below mine, but no¾a smile lights up her face, and I find myself snatched up between her long, manicured fingers in one fell swoop. My package crinkles painfully like a dry leaf crushed underfoot, turning this way and that, but I’m intrigued! My heartstring-spool rolls to the side, my stick-bones knock together, and I fold upon my blue self in new ways. I can see myself in the dark reflection of her glasses, but not her eyes which behold me.

“Used to have one of you when I was a kid. How cute,” she says fondly under her breath, smiling at me, before roughly tossing me back down roughly on the metal shelf and striding out of my view, into aisle two.

False hope floods through me as I fall, jars me, and then settles my package flat. What a tease! What a shame! Oh, how those manicured fingers would have laid me flat and aligned my bones and sail¾would have tugged on my heartstring as I soared!

Click, click, click, click¾

All at once, my thoughts dissipate as I lift into the air again before being shoved into one of the store’s dingy, green hand baskets. Her hand quickly withdraws, causing my world to sway wildly for a few moments, the fluorescent lights above flashing down through the slots of the basket. Her heels begin to click-clack against the tiles once again, and, in less than a second, we’re moving across the store.

Is she really . . .?

The woman carelessly tosses other items in while she hums an idle tune from a sun-kissed throat. A box of low-fat cookies fall atop me. Toothbrushes jab into my wrapper. Tampons stare at me from across the basket. Leopard print sunglasses mirror my astonishment in a darker tint. And beside all of that, I am the only toy!

She’s¾? Taking me out of here! I’m finally getting out! We can run and soar and play in sunny parks and¾

I’m dumped over onto the small conveyor belt leading to the cashier, the other items piled atop me like a crushing mountain. I feel my stick-bones protest from the unexpected jostle. She doesn’t seem to care, her expression all but unreadable from behind those shades perched on her pointed nose. I notice the freckles spattered across her cheeks for the first time, paired with the tan lines peeking out from the hem of her blouse sleeves. Beautiful, yet unafraid to let the sun kiss her skin; I hope she likes the winds as much as the sun. She smiles coolly down at me, as if she can read my mind, and pops a piece of brightly-colored gum into her mouth from an unseen pocket of her jeans.

The exchange is quick as the items ring up on the register in succession. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The flash of a bent-up credit card reveals that the woman’s¾my woman’s¾name is Caroline. Once again, I am jammed upright into a loudly protesting plastic bag sporting THANK YOU! COME AGAIN! in cash-green font. The other items cascade into the bag, further colliding with my now-wrinkled wrapper and clinging tightly onto me¾a minor inconvenience for the flights that were to come.

 

After expertly navigating the earthy terrain in those cherry heels, my Caroline kneels on the park lawn, paying no heed to the green stains now blossoming on her jeans. She slips off her heels, bare toes kissing the ground beneath her. The damp wind combs its airy fingers through her dark curls, creating mischievous tangles, and I hope that it will treat me with such playfulness once I’m in its boundless skies. Caroline fishes me out of the bag and carelessly tosses the other purchases aside, granting me a brief moment of satisfaction before a burst of pain rattles every part of me.

With no grace, my package is agonizingly torn open, ripped away by those manicured fingers, and tossed aside for the wind to catch and tumble across the waving grass beside us. My shield, gone. I scream, but I have no mouth, no words to let her know what she’s done. But this has to happen. How else is she going to piece me together? I can’t fly if I’m hiding behind a sheet of plastic, right? My Caroline wouldn’t hurt me, if she knew, but I’m still more embarrassed than I would admit.

My blue sail is laid out in the prickly grass while her fingers impatiently graze my wooden bones, fitting them into the plastic notches in my sail, crossed on my chest. The wood bows in a way I didn’t think was possible without breaking before Caroline knots and double knots the end of my heartstring taut to my center. Rigid. She separates two long pieces of fabric from my sail that I didn’t even know were stuck to me, tying the odd pieces to my lowest point. They feel limp and awkward in the grass with me. I really hope she did this right.

She’s smiling up at me, holding me up to inspect with one hand, the dimming sunlight glinting off her sunglasses in playful winks that leave flecks in my vision. Dazzling. The warm winds eagerly tug, tug, tug at my edges, urging her to let me go. She heeds, not bothering to check if I’m ready for this leap, and throws caution, along with me, into the wind’s grip. I lift into the breeze.

The sky isn’t gentle with my first flight. Its graying clouds and winds were made for buffeting and the rolling turbulences. I am just a passenger, the borrowed wind in my sail coming and going on a whim with the only constant being the tug on my heartstring. I lift higher.

Even from where I fly above the treetops, Caroline’s smile still beams, creating my full sail, lending me confidence. I jerk a few times, up and down, before being pulled forward into the wind. As small as an ant, she’s skipping like a child across the park, her dark hair whipping back in a wild mess across her face and shoulders. And, also like a child, she doesn’t care one bit.

A flash of lightning tears through the sky. The wind buffets me up, sending me tumbling in wide cartwheels before dropping me in a nosedive toward the solid earth.

The thrill of the plunge is ecstacy. I can smell her thunderstorm scent all around me in this downward rush, her ant-like size growing larger by the second. In my mind, I’m soaring right to her waiting hands and her happy smile, a future of flights ahead of us. I’m thanking her for the flight, the elements in their raw power. And at the last possible moment, the wind snatches me into the air again as a roll of distant thunder, like a drum, reverberates through me. My heartstring is taut at my core as I sail up to full height, full view of the park below and my Caroline. Her firm grip is the only barrier keeping me from the complete clutches of the elements. I feel a shift, a few sharp tugs, but I trust it’s nothing. The feeling is slight at first, but then¾SNAP.

Blown back and at the wind’s mercy, I shriek as I watch my thin heartstring fall back to the earth below, limp. I spin wildly as the currents turn against me, no longer playful; they are devilish tempests with clawing hands. They grab my blue sail and pass me to each other like they’re playing volleyball, until I can’t tell which way is up or down, sky or earth. It’s all a blur of gray and dull green swirls.

They spike me down from the sky finally, and I think I’ll be relieved from this torment, but I’m dashed upon the branches of the tallest park tree with the deafening scrape of leaves, a cymbal crash at the end of my song of flight. I fall still within the stiff embrace of the tree, dazed, although the winds have now moved to rattle the branches and make them groan. My vision is spotted with a green kaleidoscope of leaves, dulled in color with the coming storm. I can’t see the ground in anything more than flashes between the swaying limbs. My spine is snapped in half and bent at odd angles, bones splintered. My once-pristine sail is punctured by sticks and littered with fragments of bark and dirt. Thunder rolls again after yet another streak of lightning lights up the sky.

Oh, Caroline, where is she? Surely, she’s planning on getting me down from here? Can she see me in this darkening light? I wait for what seems like eternity in that moment of disoriented panic before her sweet voice drifts up to me from the base of the tree like a siren’s song.

“Well, shit!” Caroline curses with clear annoyance, the profanity falling off her lips easily.

I’m here, I’m here! Help me, my Caroline! Get me down!

“Sorry, little guy, you were only a buck. I can get another,” her voice calls again, more distant. Fear grips me as I realize that she’s leaving¾she’s dooming me up here!

Her footfall, the crunch of fallen leaves on the grass, fades with her voice until I can’t hear her at all anymore. There’s no one around to help me, no one around to care.

The heavens open up, and it begins to pour.